THIS is The Way You Should Be Parenting

That sounds ridiculous right??  That there's one way to do something so insanely complicated??  The idea that there actually are right answers??  And yet, we read those kinds of posts and articles all the time and hear it just as frequently.  This is the same...but pretty different too.  Let me explain...

I was feeding my 1yo dinner when she started to get really upset.  In a matter of minutes, she was screaming and real tears were pouring down her face.  I checked all of the usual suspects, but couldn't figure out what the problem was.  I scooped her out of her high chair and brought her into the bedroom to nurse and as she lay, her little body curled up on my arms, I wiped her tears off her cheeks, ran my fingers through her silky hair and quietly assured her that she was Ok.

Then it occurred to me: I wasn't supposed to say that she was Ok when she was upset.

Hadn't I read that a million times??  And I get it.  You don't want to invalidate or minimize your kids feelings and by telling them they're Ok when they are clearly not, you might be doing just that.  So I get that.  As a psychologist and a person, that makes sense to me.

But how many other things are we told?  We're not supposed to tell our kids they're smart or that they did a"good job" because we're rewarding an outcome instead of their effort.  We're not supposed to tell our children that they are cute or pretty because then they will learn to value their outsides more than their insides.  We shouldn't tell our kids that we're proud of them because now our children feel responsible for our "parental pride" (this was an actual statement...ugh).

And what about all of the other decisions that we are led to believe are life altering for our kids??  We should be working.  Or not working.  Breastfeeding.  Or not breastfeeding if it's too stressful (happy mommy, happy baby after all).  We should sleep train.  Or we shouldn't sleep train.  We shouldn't let our kids sleep in our bed...ever.  Or co-sleeping is the only way our children become securely attached.  So. Many. Rules.

So can I just call bullshit??

I mean, let's just call a spade a spade.  Are some choices technically better than others?  Yes.  Not many, but some are.  Research is able to make some of that muddy, treacherous water slightly more clear.  And yet...  Does any of it really matter in the long run?  I'm gonna go ahead and say not really.  None of that stuff is going to make THE difference about whether or not you raise a relatively happy, healthy, well-adjusted kid.

You know what does make a real difference?

The love behind all of those decisions.

Because here's the thing.  My baby isn't going to remember that I told that she's Ok when she was crying.  And that seems obvious because she's a baby.  But even my 3.5yo won't remember when I occasionally tell him he's Ok when he's crying.  Nor will they remember or care that they had fettuccine alfredo out of a bag tonight for dinner (It's frozen!!  And pre-packaged!!  And FATTY!!  The horror!!).  My oldest's life will not hinge on the decision of whether he should start kindergarten in 1.5 or 2.5 years.  Or that he was sent to school even though he had a double ear infection (relax, he was well medicated and in perfect spirits).  My youngest will be no better or worse off if she winds up taking a bottle past the recommended 15 months.  Or if she is nursed to sleep every single time I am home and available.  Here's what they will remember and what WILL make a difference.

The tenderness of my voice.

The kindness in my eyes.

The softness of my hand on their little cheeks.

The cuddles under mountains of covers.

The joy and thrill of being chased and tickled.

They won't remember the words I say to them and they certainly won't even know about .001% of the crazy, non-stop decisions that are constantly being made on their behalf, for the sake of their wellbeing.

But they will remember the love.  And that IS all that matters.

Does that make sense to you?  Do you agree?  Disagree?  I want to hear about it on my Facebook page!

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Dr. Colleen Cira is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, trauma and anxiety expert, clinical supervisor, writer, speaker, wife and Mommy of two little ones.  She has a practice in Chicago's Loop and Oak Park.  To schedule an appointment with her or her staff, please visit: http://www.cirapsyd.com/

"Enjoy Every Minute" - Major Parenting Myth Debunked

"Enjoy every minute".  "It goes by all too quickly".  "You'll want this time back".  

How many times have you heard it Mama?  The sweet smiles and unsolicited advice you get from strangers probably on a daily basis if you have little ones.  We are told over and over and over again to enjoy every minute and not to take this time for granted.

Don't get me wrong.  I agree with this...for the most part.  Most of the time, I am acutely aware of how finite time is and so many of my parenting decisions are rooted in this awareness.  It's why I almost never leave my house before 8:30pm because I so value this precious chapter in life where I'm able to read stories and rock and sing to my babies before bed (the only ones who do not protest my singing voice).  It's why I work so hard to oblige my 3 year old every time he asks me to play or watch or listen even if it's the 33rd time I'm watching him jump the same monster truck over the same car.  I get it...I know I can't get this time back.  And it's precious.  I don't need convincing in this regard.  And yet...

It's NOT POSSIBLE to enjoy every second.  Can we just be honest about that??  I'm here to argue that it's not even ideal to try to soak up every second of these short chapters of our childrens' lives.  Yes, our children are beautiful and special and only small for a short period of time.  And we should be aware of that and milk it for all it's worth...*for the most part*.  BUT...how many times have I forced myself to put both my newbie and my toddler to bed after working a 10 hour day instead of giving myself a break because of this same logic?  How many times have I went out of my way to do something for one of my littles because I need to soak up this time and wound up feeling extra frustrated with my non-cooperating kid as a result?  How many times have I made a parenting decision in order to avoid GUILT as opposed to experience PLEASURE.  I'm embarrassed to admit it...but I don't think I'm alone either.

Parenting used to be something that people just did.  They didn't put a lot of thought into it, they didn't read about it a whole lot.  They just did it.  We've come a long way since those times and parents are more involved and educated than ever before.  And so much of that is good.  When you know better, you do better and all that jazz.

But parenting is almost becoming cult-like in some ways.  There are strict and rigid rules and people are judged harshly and almost demonized for not adhering to the unwritten rules - for not ascribing to the dogma of the new wave of parenting (read: I must enjoy every minute.  I must feel insane love for my newborn baby.  I must feel tremendous guilt for wanting to work).

God forbid we're honest about we feel.  God forbid someone say that it took them weeks to truly feel love for their baby (ahem, me with my second).  God forbid we occasionally choose a glass of wine and a terrible TV show over putting our children to bed every single night because we value our sanity as much as we value our children (something I don't ever allow myself to do).  God forbid if we feel HAPPY to go back to work after maternity leave as opposed to tearful and guilt-stricken (me...both times).

There!  I said it!!  GASP!  The Horror!!!!   I love my children to the moon, I think they are two of the most beautiful, incredible little people on the planet.  I would move mountains for them, die for them, kill for them.  Truly.  And yet...I still said all of those things above.

So there it is.  It feels good to just be honest.  So many of us don't allow ourselves to be honest because we fear the judgement from others (and ourselves!) and I get that.  I obviously struggle with that too.  But it keeps us isolated.  It makes us feel bad about ourselves because all we see is everyone else making it look so easy and it doesn't feel easy for us.  BUT IT'S BECAUSE IT'S NOT EASY!!

So I'm making a deal with myself to strive for BALANCE as opposed to being the *perfect* parent and "enjoying every moment".  I still want to put my kids to bed at night...but maybe I'll make it most nights as opposed to every night.  Because dammit, The Good Wife and a glass of Shiraz every now and then will make me a happier Mommy ;)

What about you?  How does the religion of parenting affect your parenting decisions?  What do you do to find more balance in your life?

The Two Things You Need To Do To Survive Overwhelming Moments

I sit here typing with my newborn sleeping in her Moby strapped to my chest and my toddler playing happily next to me at our kitchen table with his cloud dough and monster trucks.  It's quiet (with the exception of some Uptown Funk - who wants to listen to Sesame Street songs all day??) and everyone is content.  I feel like a Pinterest pin.  It's lovely.  Big sigh.  However, if we were to rewind and take a peek at the Friday 4 weeks ago, you would've seen a totally different picture.  My brand new baby would've been crying from her bouncer while my toddler's face turned purple screaming at me while I scrambled to meet everyone's needs and would fail over and over again at this unattainable goal.  To say that I was super overwhelmed is putting it mildly.  That was only a couple months ago.  The difference between now and then is STAGGERING.  And it made me think about how quickly we turn a problem into something bigger because of what we stack on top of it.

We all have real problems - problems that anyone would struggle with in the same situation - but often it's what we do with those problems that either makes the problems seem bigger or smaller.  The last few weeks have been hell for me - the learning curve of parenting two, especially a 3 year old and a newborn, has been steep.  But I think it would've been less painful if I hadn't thrown a bunch of my own stuff on top of it.  When #1 (L) was having a really epic tantrum, instead of just giving him and myself a break, recognizing this is just part of the process of adding another human to our family, I automatically started to worry that I wasn't handling his anger well.  Or that something was wrong with him because of how intense his anger was.  When #2 (B) would go through this insane cycle of nurse, throw up, nurse, throw up, I would worry that it would always be like this, rather than a small chapter in her very little life.

Of course I logically knew that L was just adjusting and B was simply a brand new baby and they do weird things, but emotionally it felt like it was going to be like this FOREVER.  And from that emotional place, I felt like screaming, "I can't do this!!", "What is wrong with me?", "What is wrong with THEM??", "I'm a failure!".  You get the idea.  I took this totally normal, albeit difficult, problem (the adjustment of one child to two) and turned it into 1) a character flaw in myself; 2) something permanent.

But we all do this to some extent.  We get into a fight with our husband and go to a dark place of either "I'm so f*cked up" OR "Why did I marry him?".  We screw up at our jobs and spend the rest of the worrying that we'll get fired.  We get a letter from our child's teacher saying that s/he did something bad at school and we automatically start to worry that we're terrible parents or that our child will have problems for the rest of his/her life.  Right??  We don't always do this and certain things trigger us more than others, but this cycle happens to the best of us at one time or another.  We take a totally normal, but difficult problem and make it more difficult for ourselves with shame, blame and judgment.

So how do we get out of this cycle?  Well let's be honest...to some extent, we don't :/  We're human and when difficult things happen, sometimes we're not going to deal with it exactly the way we would like.  So that's step 1: Let yourself off the hook.  Freak out a little.  Cry until you run out of tears.  Lose your temper.  Is this ideal?  Of course not...but it's human.  And you're human.  So if you spend all of your time trying to suppress your feelings and/or beating yourself up for having undesirable feelings/thoughts/reactions, you're just going to make the problem worse.  So let it happen (because it's probably going to anyway!) and give yourself grace.  There ya have it.  Step 2: Just. Breathe.  When things feel overwhelming and intolerable, when you feel like a messed up idiot, when you wonder if things will ever get better...just breathe.  Just get through that moment.  Don't worry about the next hour, let alone the next day.  Just breathe and focus on whats directly in front of you.  Because it will get better...you just have to breathe and wait patiently for that to happen.

PS - I wrote this post a couple of weeks ago and am just getting around to finishing it and posting now.  So rest assured...even when it's easier, it's still crazy ;)

How about you?  What do you do when you're feeling really overwhelmed?

The Struggle To Not Be a Helicopter Parent

Hey folks!  Been awhile.  What's new?  Well for me, I had a baby so sh*t's been a little crazy!  But we're slowly adjusting and I'd like to get back to writing when my children cooperate.  And right now my 3 year old is napping and my newbie is strapped to my chest so we're good to go!

Ever since Brooklyn was born, I've been incredibly dizzy.  I've always had low blood pressure so I'm accustomed to a certain amount of dizziness, but this has been nuts.  Now I'm obviously not a medical doctor, but I know a fair amount about what can make a person dizzy and I know one of the main culprits is STRESS and more specifically, improper breathing due to stress.  So I started to pay attention and sure enough...I'm practically holding my breath constantly (Is she awake yet?  Are her and Linc going to wake up at the same time?  Who do I feed first??  What if they're both screaming??).   See folks, I've always been a mildly anxious person, having a double whammy of genetics (thank you Mom and Dad ;)) and life events that reinforced the anxiety.  It's never been debilitating by any means,  but I've worked hard for many years to keep it in check and prevent it from interfering with my quality of life...and I think I've done a damn good job if I do say so myself.

Fast forward to this morning when my husband and I had our kids at the park.  Brooklyn is constantly attached to me so it was a rare and beautiful 30 minutes when B was asleep and could hang out with Nick on a park bench and I could play with my son.  He's just shy of 3, but is physically more like a 4 year old and therefore tries to do things other 3 year olds can't do.  Rock climbing walls, monkey bars, very tall ladders...all by himself.  This is where I catch myself not breathing and begin an internal struggle with myself.  The Mama Grizzy, anxious part of me wants to hover over him, helicopter parent style, and answer all of his questions about which way he should go, be there to catch him when he falls, make sure the actual 4 and 5 years olds aren't pushing him over, etc, etc.

But then there's the psychologist part of me.  The part of me that knows that the only way to develop real self-esteem is to do something over and over again until you are good at it.  You don't feel good about yourself simply because your Mom told you "good job" endlessly as a kid.  That part of me knows that the only way you develop self-confidence is by falling down, physically and metaphorically, and picking yourself back up.  You don't grow up feeling confident in your abilities if your Mom was always there to catch you and you were never allowed the opportunity to realize that you can recover on your own.  That part of me knows that it's important to push yourself and to take (appropriate) risks in order to keep growing, learning and enjoying life.  You wind up missing out on a whole lot of life if you feel confined to your comfort zone and too scared to push yourself to test your own limits.

So I let him climb the ladder that is meant for 5 year olds, while I watch patiently (and anxiously) watch from nearby.  When he asks me which way is the "right way" to  go through a maze to get to the slide that he wants, I tell him that he should give whatever way he wants a try and if he's wrong, he can simply try again.  And when he inevitably falls or bumps his heads, I'll be right there to kiss it and make it all better.

What about you guys?  Is it hard to watch your children take risks, learn the hard way or fail in some way?  How do you decide when to help and when to let them learn on their own?  Would love to hear about your adventures in parenting :)