I was 11 years old and in elementary school when my friend’s older brother suggested that we hide behind a tree together during what was supposed to be an innocent game of hide and seek (you can read that whole story here: http://ciracenter.org/2016/06/brock-turner-is-not-problem.html). I was 11 years old when this boy jammed his tongue down my throat, rammed his hand under my shirt and my bra, grabbed at my breasts and attempted to wedge his fingers inside of me. I was 11 years old when I experienced what I now know as dissociation and the submit response - the final and forgotten phase of the nervous system's fight, flight, freeze response - for the first time in my life. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak...I could only cry and stare at the moon for what felt like an eternity because I was so utterly terrified of what was being done to my body without my consent.
I was 11.
Fast forward 26 years. Brett Kavanaugh has been credibly accused of sexual assault by three different woman and he has just been confirmed as our newest Supreme Court Justice. Every time I have thought about writing about this, I either start crying and then avoid it or avoid it all together.
What can be said that hasn’t been said already??
We talk and talk and explain and plead for understanding...to be seen...to be heard...to be validated and none of it matters. Brett Kavanaugh is still appointed to the Supreme Court. Donald Trump is still President. Women continue to betray their own. And men will continue to rape, abuse and assault. So what’s the point?? For the last couple of weeks, I’ve pretty much been stuck in this deep, dark place, caught between profound despair and hopelessness and murderous rage.
Because anyone who is a survivor, and many who are not, could’ve told you before it happened that no one would take Dr. Ford seriously. Because we haven’t been taken seriously either.
We could’ve told you that even when people pretended to take her seriously, like with a joke of an FBI investigation, that it would end exactly the same. Because our personal abuse/assault histories were never resolved either.
We already knew this was going to go down the way it did. Because this is just simply how we treat survivors here - same shit, different day. But to have it play out on this particular platform at this particular level...despite the fact that we knew it would end this way, it’s also too much. The entire federal government just made it clear to the entire world that women have no worth other than the sexual gratification of men. They just made it clear that we will never be believed (if a white woman who also has a doctorate isn’t believed, then no one will be believed). And that if it did happen and we are to be believed, that it’s our fault anyway because insert some rape-culture-victim-blaming statement here.
It’s just too much.
It’s one thing to have our friends and/or our families struggle to say and do the right thing when we disclose our sexual trauma or how it’s affected us. And as much as we hate it, it’s so normal for us to have no real motivation to report or even disclose what happened to us because...well, we know how that goes. But to know that at the highest level of our judicial system sits a man so steeped in privilege and power that he was able to get a promotion after having several very credible accusations of sexual assault….well, that can feel like the death blow at times. That has made me feel like there’s nothing left to fight for. If it’s 2018 and THAT can still happen...we’re doomed.
So if you’re in that place too, I get it. I’m sobbing as I write this because I feel it so strongly. If you have moments of feeling like you have no fight left in you, I’m with you. The world can be such a disturbing, fucked up place and sometimes the energy that is required to just get through the day is all you can muster. I profoundly get it. So take a minute to rest. Hell, take a week. Get off of Facebook. Stop listening to NPR. Stop watching CNN. Read something light. Cry with people who get it. Take a bath. Watch something funny. Take a little real-world hiatus. This is deserving of your tears and it’s Ok to take a break.
BUT THEN RISE UP. Because this shit can’t stand any longer.
How many times has someone grabbed your ass or your breasts without your permission?
How many times has someone rubbed their body against yours??
How many times has someone continued to touch you and pressure you despite your lack of an enthusiastic “yes”?
How many times have you felt threatened or intimidated by a man’s unwanted attention?
How many times have you been catcalled on the street?
How many times have you felt objectified as a sexual object rather than an actual person?
How many times have you been made to feel like you did something wrong even though you were a victim to someone else’s bad behavior?
How many times has a man bought you drink after drink with the intention of having sex with you when you’re not legally able to consent?
How many times have you wound up in a sexual situation that you’re not sure you want to be in?
HOW MANY TIMES???
ENOUGH.
All of these men in the government are banking on this “blowing over”, some have even explicitly said so. So we need to scream at the top of our lungs. We need to VOTE in record numbers. We need to protest every chance that we get. We need to talk to whoever will listen. We need to burn it down (not literally of course ;)) and start over again.
If they won’t listen when we’re rational and intelligent and non-emotional, as Dr. Ford so bravely did, then we’ll get ugly. We’ll get loud. We’ll get angry. And when they still won’t listen, we’ll vote them out. Every last one. By all means, ladies and allies, take a moment to rest and mourn this historical, monumental loss and failure at the highest level. But then get your pitchforks and megaphones and get ready...
Because hell hath no fury as millions of women scorned.
For all things voting, go here: https://crooked.com/articles/be-a-voter-save-america/
Dr. Colleen Cira is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, trauma and anxiety expert, clinical supervisor, writer, speaker, wife and Mommy of two little ones. She has a practice in Chicago’s Loop and Oak Park. To schedule an appointment with her or her staff, please visit www.ciracenter.org
