"Enjoy Every Minute" - Major Parenting Myth Debunked

"Enjoy every minute".  "It goes by all too quickly".  "You'll want this time back".  

How many times have you heard it Mama?  The sweet smiles and unsolicited advice you get from strangers probably on a daily basis if you have little ones.  We are told over and over and over again to enjoy every minute and not to take this time for granted.

Don't get me wrong.  I agree with this...for the most part.  Most of the time, I am acutely aware of how finite time is and so many of my parenting decisions are rooted in this awareness.  It's why I almost never leave my house before 8:30pm because I so value this precious chapter in life where I'm able to read stories and rock and sing to my babies before bed (the only ones who do not protest my singing voice).  It's why I work so hard to oblige my 3 year old every time he asks me to play or watch or listen even if it's the 33rd time I'm watching him jump the same monster truck over the same car.  I get it...I know I can't get this time back.  And it's precious.  I don't need convincing in this regard.  And yet...

It's NOT POSSIBLE to enjoy every second.  Can we just be honest about that??  I'm here to argue that it's not even ideal to try to soak up every second of these short chapters of our childrens' lives.  Yes, our children are beautiful and special and only small for a short period of time.  And we should be aware of that and milk it for all it's worth...*for the most part*.  BUT...how many times have I forced myself to put both my newbie and my toddler to bed after working a 10 hour day instead of giving myself a break because of this same logic?  How many times have I went out of my way to do something for one of my littles because I need to soak up this time and wound up feeling extra frustrated with my non-cooperating kid as a result?  How many times have I made a parenting decision in order to avoid GUILT as opposed to experience PLEASURE.  I'm embarrassed to admit it...but I don't think I'm alone either.

Parenting used to be something that people just did.  They didn't put a lot of thought into it, they didn't read about it a whole lot.  They just did it.  We've come a long way since those times and parents are more involved and educated than ever before.  And so much of that is good.  When you know better, you do better and all that jazz.

But parenting is almost becoming cult-like in some ways.  There are strict and rigid rules and people are judged harshly and almost demonized for not adhering to the unwritten rules - for not ascribing to the dogma of the new wave of parenting (read: I must enjoy every minute.  I must feel insane love for my newborn baby.  I must feel tremendous guilt for wanting to work).

God forbid we're honest about we feel.  God forbid someone say that it took them weeks to truly feel love for their baby (ahem, me with my second).  God forbid we occasionally choose a glass of wine and a terrible TV show over putting our children to bed every single night because we value our sanity as much as we value our children (something I don't ever allow myself to do).  God forbid if we feel HAPPY to go back to work after maternity leave as opposed to tearful and guilt-stricken (me...both times).

There!  I said it!!  GASP!  The Horror!!!!   I love my children to the moon, I think they are two of the most beautiful, incredible little people on the planet.  I would move mountains for them, die for them, kill for them.  Truly.  And yet...I still said all of those things above.

So there it is.  It feels good to just be honest.  So many of us don't allow ourselves to be honest because we fear the judgement from others (and ourselves!) and I get that.  I obviously struggle with that too.  But it keeps us isolated.  It makes us feel bad about ourselves because all we see is everyone else making it look so easy and it doesn't feel easy for us.  BUT IT'S BECAUSE IT'S NOT EASY!!

So I'm making a deal with myself to strive for BALANCE as opposed to being the *perfect* parent and "enjoying every moment".  I still want to put my kids to bed at night...but maybe I'll make it most nights as opposed to every night.  Because dammit, The Good Wife and a glass of Shiraz every now and then will make me a happier Mommy ;)

What about you?  How does the religion of parenting affect your parenting decisions?  What do you do to find more balance in your life?

How Your Past Haunts You In Ways You May Not Even Know

I was standing in the shower, getting ready to settle in for the evening, when I felt something snake down my back, my leg and my ankle.  Somewhat alarmed, I looked down to see what could cause that strange sensation and I saw a huge clump of my hair tangled around my heel.

I momentarily stopped breathing and a feeling of panic came over me.  I opened my mouth to call for my husband, but nothing came out.  I could hear my heartbeat, increasing by the second, in my ears.

Then the air returned, my heart rate slowed down and I remembered what was going on: I'm several weeks postpartum and your hair falls out.  Right...I remember now.  It's as though the Universe has decided that you no longer need the gift it gave you as a reward during your pregnancy (amazing, thick hair) because you have your little bundle of joy so it takes it all back.  As if postpartum hormones, extra weight and getting to know your newborn aren't enough fun things to manage, now you have bald patches.  Awesome.  But the good news is that this is totally normal and expected and I know from going through this before, I will not go completely bald even though you would think that if you saw my drain after every shower.

So why did I freak out?  Flash back about 20 years...

I was standing in my shower, washing my hair and felt something snake down my back, my leg and my ankle.  Somewhat alarmed, I looked down to see what could cause that strange sensation and I saw a huge clump of my hair tangled around my heel...and even more wrapped around both sets of fingers.  The only difference is that 20 years ago I was in fact going bald because the chemotherapy I was receiving for my cancer had finally killed off enough cancer cells (and unfortunately all fast growing cells) that I was ACTUALLY losing my hair.  And not just some of it, but all of it.  As a 15 year old girl and a freshman in high school, it was the moment that I had been dreading since I started chemo...and here it was.  I LOST IT...and I don't mean my hair.  I mean my sanity.  In that moment, I lost it.  Not necessarily because of the hair, per se (although my teenage self might argue differently), but because my hair falling out made the diagnosis real.  My parents needed to literally drag me out of the shower that night and I don't remember anything else about that evening.  It's not the kind of thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "trauma", but make no mistake about it: it was traumatic.

So that's what was going on the other day in the shower.  Something totally ordinary and not upsetting was happening, but because it was so similar to something terrible that happened a long time ago, I was right back there.  Crazy huh?  Here's why: there's a part of our brains that doesn't understand time, context, person (better known as the amygdala for all you brain-loving folk).  The amygdala's main job?  FEELINGS.  Intense feelings, specifically, like rage and fear.  What makes this more interesting is when the amygdala gets involved, it overrides other areas of the brain (frontal lobe) that we could really benefit from at times like this.  So when we're reminded of something awful from our past, the human, rational part of our brain effectively shuts down, and the animal, emotional, irrational part of our brain kicks into high gear.  Sounds like a recipe for disaster right?

Why am I telling you all of this?  Because if this process is taking place in your life and you're not aware that's what is going on, it can cause major problems!  This is for the woman who was sexually assaulted earlier in her life who doesn't feel like she can have a "normal" sex life with her husband because she freaks out every time he touches her.  This is for the man who shuts down completely whenever he feels criticized (even if that's not what's happening) because he feels like a scared little boy again being berated by his father.  This is for the woman who cannot engage in any form of conflict because it's too reminiscent of the arguments her parents would always get into right before her Dad started throwing punches.  This crazy neurological wiring that is there to help us and keep us safe can sometimes wind up causing major problems.

Here's the beauty of it: when you know what's going on in those moments (and now you do!) and you don't make yourself feel worse by assuming you must be crazy (which you totally aren't!!), you start to take back some of your control...some of your power.  You can start to think through your reaction rather than just react.  And that allows you to talk about it (might need to read this for that), continue to make sense of it and heal from whatever it is all over again.  That might be all you need.  Or you might decide that you need a professional to help work through some of that.  But either way, you're moving in a direction where YOU get to control your life rather than your past.  And THAT is pretty damn cool.