The Struggle To Not Be a Helicopter Parent

Hey folks!  Been awhile.  What's new?  Well for me, I had a baby so sh*t's been a little crazy!  But we're slowly adjusting and I'd like to get back to writing when my children cooperate.  And right now my 3 year old is napping and my newbie is strapped to my chest so we're good to go!

Ever since Brooklyn was born, I've been incredibly dizzy.  I've always had low blood pressure so I'm accustomed to a certain amount of dizziness, but this has been nuts.  Now I'm obviously not a medical doctor, but I know a fair amount about what can make a person dizzy and I know one of the main culprits is STRESS and more specifically, improper breathing due to stress.  So I started to pay attention and sure enough...I'm practically holding my breath constantly (Is she awake yet?  Are her and Linc going to wake up at the same time?  Who do I feed first??  What if they're both screaming??).   See folks, I've always been a mildly anxious person, having a double whammy of genetics (thank you Mom and Dad ;)) and life events that reinforced the anxiety.  It's never been debilitating by any means,  but I've worked hard for many years to keep it in check and prevent it from interfering with my quality of life...and I think I've done a damn good job if I do say so myself.

Fast forward to this morning when my husband and I had our kids at the park.  Brooklyn is constantly attached to me so it was a rare and beautiful 30 minutes when B was asleep and could hang out with Nick on a park bench and I could play with my son.  He's just shy of 3, but is physically more like a 4 year old and therefore tries to do things other 3 year olds can't do.  Rock climbing walls, monkey bars, very tall ladders...all by himself.  This is where I catch myself not breathing and begin an internal struggle with myself.  The Mama Grizzy, anxious part of me wants to hover over him, helicopter parent style, and answer all of his questions about which way he should go, be there to catch him when he falls, make sure the actual 4 and 5 years olds aren't pushing him over, etc, etc.

But then there's the psychologist part of me.  The part of me that knows that the only way to develop real self-esteem is to do something over and over again until you are good at it.  You don't feel good about yourself simply because your Mom told you "good job" endlessly as a kid.  That part of me knows that the only way you develop self-confidence is by falling down, physically and metaphorically, and picking yourself back up.  You don't grow up feeling confident in your abilities if your Mom was always there to catch you and you were never allowed the opportunity to realize that you can recover on your own.  That part of me knows that it's important to push yourself and to take (appropriate) risks in order to keep growing, learning and enjoying life.  You wind up missing out on a whole lot of life if you feel confined to your comfort zone and too scared to push yourself to test your own limits.

So I let him climb the ladder that is meant for 5 year olds, while I watch patiently (and anxiously) watch from nearby.  When he asks me which way is the "right way" to  go through a maze to get to the slide that he wants, I tell him that he should give whatever way he wants a try and if he's wrong, he can simply try again.  And when he inevitably falls or bumps his heads, I'll be right there to kiss it and make it all better.

What about you guys?  Is it hard to watch your children take risks, learn the hard way or fail in some way?  How do you decide when to help and when to let them learn on their own?  Would love to hear about your adventures in parenting :)

Mommy Wars: Why They Happen and Your Role in Stopping Them

So this is how my day started today: I always wake up an hour earlier than my son so that I can have a little bit of alone time to enjoy and get organized for the day.  Well today, he decided to wake up 15 minutes after I did (read: no alone time for Mommy) and I soon discovered why: he had a gigantic, watery poop that had leaked all over himself, his pajamas and his bed.  Understandably, he wasn't very happy about it.  (PS - This has been going on for days now, often times in the middle of the night.  Docs said it's the tail end of a stomach virus and the nasty stuff coming out of his butt may continue to do that for another two weeks.  Joy.)  So I'm changing a screaming toddler's diaper, his clothes and throwing in a load of disgusting laundry, careful to pick out the chunks of poop so that all the rest of our clothes for the next week do not have fecal remnants on them.  Have I mentioned that I'm also terribly uncomfortable because I'm going to have a baby any day now?  Or that my husband needs to leave for work before most people's alarms even go off so I was doing this alone?  Anyway, I digress.  Then I have to get us ready for the day, walk to an L stop (because we don't have space for a second car), take the L with him to school, while it's pouring out mind you, and walk another few blocks to his school.  Then I walk myself back to the L, take the L downtown to work, and walk to my office.  In the rain.  Almost 39 weeks pregnant.  Uphill (I kid).  But you get the point.

Why do I tell you all of this?  I swear I'm not throwing a pity party for myself (although I do that at times as well).  I'm telling you this because on the last leg of my journey, I felt really impressed with myself.  I felt like a bonafide, bad-ass Superhero for being able to parent my child in a way I felt good about (despite him acting OBNOXIOUSLY) and continue to be successful at work all while insanely pregnant (and super uncomfortable).  I felt so proud of myself for making it through the morning without losing my temper, bursting into tears or falling down a set of slippery stairs on an L platform, that I wanted to shout it from the rooftops...or in today's world and my geographical location, post it on Facebook for everyone to see.  But I immediately started to wonder...  If I do that, will I offend full time stay at home Moms if I include that part of the reason that I'm proud of myself is that I work 3 days a week?  Will people think I'm bragging and therefore obnoxious??  What if I make another Mom feel terrible because she had a similar shitty morning (get it?? ;)) and doesn't feel as good about the way she handled it??

Now some of this is just me: me being over-sensitive and over-thinking things, both of which I'm constantly guilty of.  But some of this is our culture.  It's the "Mommy Wars" culture that we live in. (If "Mommy Wars" is not a concept you are familiar with, you HAVE to watch this hilarious, accurate and surprisingly touching commercial that you can find in the Mommy Wars link above).

Mommy Wars is basically the idea where instead of celebrating how bad ass we ALL are as parents, we tear each other down.  We judge others for how they parent: if they breastfeed or don't, work or don't, for how they discipline, how they love, how they live.  It's crazy...but we're all guilty of it.  And it gets in the way of us celebrating all of the amazing things we do every minute of every day.

If Mommy Wars is so terrible and makes us all ultimately feel bad, why do we do it??  Here's my two cents: Being a parent, and perhaps especially a Mom, is so all consuming from jump.  For most of us, it starts to change us the moment we see a plus sign on that stick we just peed on.  And because it's all consuming and changes us so much and often feels like the most important thing we could ever do...we're a little (or in some cases) a LOT sensitive about it.  We have researched or read or over-thought so many of our parent-related decisions that to have someone question what we do or simply choose something else, can feel like a slap in the face.  It doesn't just feel like a challenge to our decision...it can start to feel like a challenge to WHO WE ARE.  And that's really tough to deal with.

So how do we deal with this?  Well at some point we probably get defensive.  We feel the need to justify our decisions, to explain our rationale for doing something a certain way...or we tear down someone else's opinion/decision.  Why do we do this?  Because we're mean, terrible, judgmental people....?  Wrong!  We are prone to doing this because at that particular moment, it feels like the only thing we can do to hold on to who we are.  It feels like if we don't defend/justify/condemn - if we don't make the other person feel in the wrong - then we feel like WE are in the wrong.  And being in the wrong about a parenting decision - something that may deeply affect our children (or not but it probably FEELS that way ;)) - can feel like the WORST thing we could EVER do.  Is this rational?  No.  Is this way of handling a tough situation deliberate or well thought out?  Absolutely not.  But that's the way it plays out at some point regardless.

So how can we do better?  Well it's complicated, but at it's most basic, I think it comes down to a combination of my last two posts about vulnerability and judgment.  I think part of it is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.  For me today, vulnerability would've been posting on Facebook about feeling like a superhero (which I didn't do, but I am writing this post ;)).  What would it be for you?  Would it be allowing yourself to tell someone you care about that you're not sure you made the right decision when you decided to..... (insert work, not work, breastfeed, not breastfeed, etc).  Would it be allowing yourself to tell someone you love what an awesome day of parenting you had without worrying about whether you sounded like you were "bragging"?  Think about it - what do you hold back saying for fear of judgment?  Next time you notice yourself holding back, instead try saying it to someone who is safe to take a risk with.  The next part is to try not to judge as much and instead, notice the insecurity that's behind the desire to judge.  When your inclination is to justify, rationalize, defend or judge someone else's lifestyle/choice/decision, rather than focus on them, focus on YOU.  Why are you feeling the need to do that?  What about YOUR lifestyle/choices/decisions are you feeling ambivalent about?  And then once your figure that out, you....you guessed it: talk to someone about it!  And be vulnerable all over again.

When you do this, a different cycle is born.  Instead of judgment, which leads to defensiveness, which leads to more judgment and distance we're now talking about a cycle of vulnerability, which leads to honesty, which leads to understanding, which leads to connection.  Because ya know what?  I am a Superhero.  And you, Mommy (or Daddy!), are too.  Now doesn't that sound nice?

Vulnerability: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Vulnerability.  It's a word I deal with all of the time in therapy, but also just by being the person that I am.  Anyone who knows me, knows that most of the time, vulnerability doesn't really feel like something I choose - it's just the main way that I know how to operate.  I feel things deeply and wear my heart on my sleeve - always have.  But there are other times when I make a conscious decision to be vulnerable and in those moments I'm reminded about just how difficult of a choice that can be.

This blog has prompted that choice point for me.  Initially, I was writing articles as a doctor - an expert; trying to teach people something they didn't previously know.  I thought it was important to have a specific skill or set of knowledge to communicate, have it backed by research and reveal very little of myself, because as a psychologist, self-disclosure is a no-no.  But the posts felt stale to me.  Academic.  Impersonal.  I wasn't passionate about what I was writing and it was coming through in the posts.  So I was left with a difficult decision: continue to be the "expert" and teach OR be a human being (who just happens to also be a psychologist), which meant disclosing my struggles, flaws and weaknesses.  That's always a difficult thing to do, but as a therapist, it felt even more challenging.  What if my colleagues thought that was a terrible decision?  What if my patients saw my posts and had negative reactions?  The anxiety I felt about potential judgment was pretty intense and I struggled with which direction to take.

If you've been following me though, you obviously know what I decided...and I'm glad that I did.  Because pretty much every time I can remember that I have chosen to be vulnerable - to reveal a part of myself that I don't like, to share something intensely private, to disclose something sensitive - I wind up feeling more connected than ever to others because something magical happens.  Other people start being honest too.  People suddenly feel like it's Ok to share their struggles, flaws and weaknesses.  The mask comes off, the walls come down and where there was distance and guards up, there is now openness.  Freedom.  Space.  People sharing not only the good, but the bad and the ugly too.

So many of us feel the need to keep up appearances in daily life and social media has made this worse to a significant degree.  We only talk about the happy times and show the parts of ourselves that we're proud of.  Checking the homepage on Facebook is picture after status update after picture of smiling faces, happy memories and good times.  I don't say that with judgment - I do it too.  And to a large extent that seems appropriate.  It would seem like a strange breech of boundaries to share our darkest thoughts and struggles with 500+ people on a regular basis.  And at the same time, it's a shame we don't use this enormous community to get support on a more regular basis.  What's worse is the fact that so many of us feel like we can't even confide in our closest friends or family because we fear burdening them with our problems and pain.  Since so many of us have this mentality, it means that we're all struggling silently and privately, putting on a happy face when we need to, but when it comes down to it, isolated with our struggles and feeling alone to boot.

What would it be like to take that risk and share your struggle with someone else?  To allow yourself to cry in the presence of someone you trust?  To give someone the privilege of seeing behind the curtain of your life in order to acknowledge that your career/marriage/children are not as wonderful as they may seem to be?  Can you imagine?  It sounds scary, I'm sure.  With good reason.  I was scared as hell to admit in a public forum the awful thoughts that went through my head about that thin, pregnant model.  But ya know what happened?  That post was read by more people and received more comments and positive feedback than anything else I've written.  There could be a hundred reasons for that, but I'm pretty sure a lot of it had to do with the fact that people tend to respond very kindly to other's humanity.  So maybe the next time you're struggling with something, instead of burying it or distracting yourself from it, talk to someone you love.  My guess is that you'll be amazed at what happens next :)

PS - If the concept of vulnerability intrigues you, you should definitely check out Brene Brown: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en  She is incredible!!

Why Do We All Judge So Much?

Recently, I saw the following pictures that were trending on Facebook:

These are selfies of a model who is 8.5 months pregnant.  Gasp.  Shock.  Awe.  Right?  Pretty normal, human reactions to have, I think, considering how incredibly tiny she is for that stage in pregnancy.  That was certainly my initial reaction.  And then comes the judgment.  I myself am only a few weeks away from having a baby and while I haven't really worried about how I have looked during my pregnancy...well...let's just say that these pictures didn't help the ego, yaknowwhatI'msayin'...??  So as I said, here comes the judgment.  I heard my thoughts rattle off criticism after criticism at a furious pace: What the hell is wrong with her?  She clearly has an eating disorder.  Why is it that we are so hung up on physical appearance in America that this woman feels like she needs to stay stick thin even though she's carrying a child!  Dear God, what if she has a girl and passes this clearly disordered body image crap onto her kid?!  On and on and on.  And these thoughts, as not nice as they are, are MILD in comparison to the comments that were provoked in response to these pictures by others.  To be fair, there was some nice comments along with the nasty ones, along the lines of "good for her" and "I hope I look like that when I'm pregnant!", but for the most part it was a lot of hostility, which I am obviously not immune to either.

But here's the important part that no one seemed to mention or consider (including me initially): this woman's OBGYN was quoted in the article.  He indicated that her pregnancy has been normal and uncomplicated.  He said that she has gained an appropriate amount of weight and he is not concerned about her health or the health of her unborn child.  THIS IS HER DOCTOR.  And yet, despite this person with a medical background indicating that everything with this perfect stranger's pregnancy is A.Ok, so many of us responded in a critical, self-righteous (ahem) or hostile way.  What's up with that??  And it seems as though we, as women, as more susceptible to this kind of thing than men. Why the hell are we so inclined to being so mean to each other, even as adults?

I wish I had something profound to say about this.  Something that felt like a revelation or a solution to the problem...but I don't.  I think this is mostly due to sexism and women being pitted against each other from a very young age, but I'm sure there are a TON of reasons that could take up an entire book so I won't tackle that for now.  And as far as solutions go, my psychologist brain goes to a hundred different complicated, research backed programs that would start in elementary school, teaching children (and parents) about how to instill a good sense of self, etc, etc, etc.

But the bottom line is easy and difficult at the same time: BE NICE TO ONE ANOTHER. And when you're not, check yourself and re-adjust your attitude.  I say it's easy because it sounds easy and in theory, should be easy.  But then we have a bad day, or get jealous, or feel badly about ourselves, and before you know it, we're passing judgement on someone else because it eases our own pain/struggle/suffering in that particular moment.  I'm not immune to this.  No one is.  Judgement, which at it's core is simply categorizing, is how our brains work.  We couldn't function in the world if we weren't able to make snap judgments about things and keep moving; we would be paralyzed by the incredible, sheer volume of information our brains need to digest every second of every day.  Judging is the essence of being human.  But that doesn't let us off the hook.

Catch yourself when you're doing it.  We will judge ourselves and others every day for the rest of our lives.  That's just the reality of the situation.  That doesn't make us bad people, it simply means that we're human.  But we need to catch ourselves.  Don't spiral on and on until your mood is ruined, your day is ruined and you've ruined other people's days because of all the venom.  Catch yourself.  Consider the possibility that we don't have all of the information (which c'mon, we don't!).  That it doesn't affect your life so it really doesn't matter anyway.  That as much as it's difficult to admit, you've struggled with the same sort of thing you're condemning someone else for.  And if none of those things work, just think about something else because why spend your precious energy hating on someone else??  So to this beautiful stranger in the pictures above, I wish you and your baby health and happiness.  Is there really anything else to say...?

The Transformative Power of Shared Pain

I have been in several situations lately where even I, as a psychologist, feel at a loss about what to say to someone.  Because the pain they are experiencing is so intense.  Because there's nothing that will make it better.  Because the situation is just so awful.  It's a strange feeling for me really - to be listening to someone and in the back of my mind have this white noise of, "Say Something You Moron!!!".  It feels panicky and idiotic that after 5 years of doctoral training and more than a decade in practice, I could still feel this way.  But when I think about it, it's the most human thing on the planet.

Most of my friends and family don't often ask me for professional advice, which I'm grateful for, but when a request like that does come down the pipe, 90% of the time it's wanting to know what they should say to someone who's in pain.  The advice that I always give is to say very little actually - that it's far more important to just listen.  I recently have been reminded how difficult that can be.  When we see someone we love in agony, we want to help.  We want to fix it.  We want to advise.  We want to reassure.  All of those instincts are coming from a really great place, but often times they aren't what the other person needs.  So if our loved ones don't need us to tell them what to do, how to think or what to feel, then what DO they need??

Well if you asked the rational me in these moments recently where I was sitting with folks and the pain was so great it put me in a state of panic, I wouldn't have been able to answer this question.  My brain was not functioning properly in these moments - I felt completely overwhelmed by the intensity of their distress and couldn't come up with words.  So I did what came naturally and followed my gut instinct: I cried with them.  There was nothing to say...nothing to do...nothing to fix.  It was awful and to say anything other than that would've been disrespectful in the deepest sense because it would've minimized just how terrible their situations were and I clearly didn't want to do that.  So I allowed myself to experience their pain and to feel my own pain for them and cried.  We cried together.  And in that moment, the connection that I felt with these two women was incredible.  The connection had always been there - I care deeply for them both - but I had been inadvertently blocking that connection with all of the worry about "what to say".

We constantly underestimate the value of simply sitting with someone in their pain - of feeling their pain with them - and often times, it's one of the few ways to give someone the love and support they need during an incredibly difficult time.

The Fallacy of Perfection

If there’s anyone who knows what it feels like to try to be perfect constantly, it’s me.  Let me start at the beginning.  I’m a cancer survivor.  I beat Hodgkin’s Lymphoma when I was 15 years old.  I also lost one of my best friends to cancer less than a year after I entered into remission.  After these events, I started a not-for-profit organization called “The Meredith Carroll Foundation: Kids Against Cancer”.  By selling t-shirts with inspirational quotes on the back at high schools and grammar schools around Illinois, we raised over $100,000 for cancer research at Children’s Memorial Hospital in Chicago, where both Meredith and myself were treated. 

There’s obviously lots of good and bad stuff that came out of these experiences.  Chemo sucked and losing Meredith was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever experienced, but I got to talk about her constantly because of the foundation and grieve in a positive way, plus raise a ton of money in the hopes that other families would be spared from this awful situation.  All things you would expect.  What I did NOT expect is how people would look at me because of all this.  I was a normal 16 year old girl enjoying high school and suddenly I was thrust into the role of a martyr…a hero.  I became the key note speaker for Children’s Memorial Foundation for a year during which time I traveled all over the Midwest giving speeches, acting as the face of pediatric cancer survivorship.  I was given the “Citizen of the Year Award” by the city of Orland Park for my philanthropist efforts and was the youngest recipient in the history of the award.  The Chicago Woman Magazine listed me as one of the top 100 women in Chicago making a difference.  All of this happened when I was 16 years old.  Cool, you might be thinking.  And a lot of it was.  All of these honors absolutely humbled me…it still blows me away that the foundation had such a powerful effect on people.  But it had a less sunny side as well because these things encouraged people to think of me as perfect, which was more pressure than I’d ever felt in my life.  I went from a normal 16 year old girl to a pseudo-celebrity philanthropist who could do no wrong.  I felt restricted to this tiny little box of needing to be happy and grateful all of the time because I, unlike Meredith, was still alive.  Anytime that I felt sad or lost my tempter or “messed up” in some way (read: acted HUMAN), the guilt I felt was overwhelming.  And there were very real consequences when I wasn’t perfect as people expected me to be (I could tell you a funny story here about my first psychology teacher in high school who when I got a B instead of an A [it was my last quarter in high school…sue me], told me parents that this went into his, and I quote, “little bag of hurts”.  I’m serious.  But I digress….)

It took a lot of life experience (and therapy!) to figure out that I didn’t have to keep up the façade of perfection – that the important people in my life would love me, flaws and all.  I slowly started to realize that I didn’t have to feel so terrible every time I made a mistake and instead I could simply apologize for it and try to learn from it.  Seems simple, but it was insanely hard to do.  But the more I tried to cultivate this habit of screw-up-then-apologize, something magical happened – RELIEF.  Room to breathe.  Less relationship anxiety.  The courage to be imperfect (or rather the courage to acknowledge my imperfections because they’ve always been there), freed me up in ways that I cannot possibly fully articulate.  What I slowly began to realize is that the only time my weaknesses/flaws/quirks became true liabilities is when I refused to acknowledge that they were there.

So why do I tell you all of this?  Because it’s still a struggle!  And that’s important for me to remember and for you to know.  I don’t want anyone walking away from reading this thinking I’ve got it all figured out now and I live in a constant state of self-acceptance and forgiveness.  I don’t!  It’s still freakin’ hard!  Evidenced partly through this blog of all things.  When I first started to plan for having a blog again, I, of course, wanted it to be perfect….er, as great as possible.  I figured out topics/themes for every month and began to brainstorm posts that would fit each theme of the month.  But ya know what happened??  We’re now 18 days into March and I haven’t written a single post on Women’s Health (because it is International Women’s month).  And why haven’t it, despite the fact that every day I’m inspired to write about something?  Well some of it is being a busy working Mom, but the more complicated answer is because most of what I’ve been inspired about in the last week or two does not pertain to Women’s health and I decided that this is Women’s Health Month for my blog so goddammit I need to write about Women’s Health! 

Umm hello….!?!  That’s crazy…and unnecessary…and not even helpful!  Ok, maybe calling it crazy is taking things too far because I certainly understand my own logic, but it is in fact unnecessary and unhelpful.  So hence this post on perfection.  Little personal inventory of your own: how often do you catch yourself setting extremely high and/or un-realistic expectations for yourself and/or others?  How often do these standards cause you misery instead of the more desirable outcome you certainly hoped for?  It’s worth thinking about.

Tonight The Heartache's Is On Me: Embracing the Break-Up

We've been doing all of this talk about relationships...about how your past impacts your present, about getting to know your partner and a few big no-no's and how to avoid them.  But what if after all this, it just isn't working?  At some point we have to talk break-ups, as unpleasant as they are.  I thought I might offer a new and slightly unorthodox perspective...

Several years ago I was taking a jog by the lake on Friday afternoon and a song that I had not heard in years began playing on my Ipod.  I smiled as the old memories came back to me about where I was at that time in my life and what that song had meant to me.  Here’s the part where you’re going to think I’m weird: the song that was making me happy and nostalgic was a song about breaking up.  It’s called “Tonight The Heartache’s on Me” by the Dixie Chicks.  It’s about a woman whose heart is broken because she has been betrayed by her partner, but instead of running from her pain, for one night, she’s embracing it.  At the time that I first heard this song, I was in a relationship and unable to relate as I had been lucky in love up to that point.  But I loved the song anyway.  Every time I heard it, I pictured this strong woman with a great sense of humor laughing with her girlfriends at a bar and toasting the fool who clearly didn’t know what he had.  It made me smile every time I thought about it and some strange part of me wanted to experience that. 

Well, you know life, so you know without me having to tell you that I surely got my turn at heartache.  It was very painful, incredibly dramatic (in the way that only a college relationship can be) and, at times…really fun.  Seriously? you ask.  Yes, seriously.  I vividly remember being at a friend’s party one of the first nights after that initial break-up, turning on that Dickie Chicks song and embracing it.  Embracing the sadness, the relief, the regret and the hope.  And I’m so glad that I did.  Why?  Because now I'm married to a wonderful, loving man who cherishes me and so, God willing, I will never again experience a break-up.  I will never again experience that bitter-sweet kiss when you reunite with someone you lost long ago.  I will never again go to a bar with my girlfriends and laugh while toasting the guy who was a jerk to me.  I will never again get that heart-wrenching (yet butterfly-inducing) email or phone call from an ex for the first time after the break-up.  I’m SO thankful for that and I wouldn’t trade where I am with anyone.  But I’m also so thankful that I experienced all of those things at least once.  Because that’s life right?  And I don’t want to miss any of it!  So cheers :)