"Enjoy Every Minute" - Major Parenting Myth Debunked

"Enjoy every minute".  "It goes by all too quickly".  "You'll want this time back".  

How many times have you heard it Mama?  The sweet smiles and unsolicited advice you get from strangers probably on a daily basis if you have little ones.  We are told over and over and over again to enjoy every minute and not to take this time for granted.

Don't get me wrong.  I agree with this...for the most part.  Most of the time, I am acutely aware of how finite time is and so many of my parenting decisions are rooted in this awareness.  It's why I almost never leave my house before 8:30pm because I so value this precious chapter in life where I'm able to read stories and rock and sing to my babies before bed (the only ones who do not protest my singing voice).  It's why I work so hard to oblige my 3 year old every time he asks me to play or watch or listen even if it's the 33rd time I'm watching him jump the same monster truck over the same car.  I get it...I know I can't get this time back.  And it's precious.  I don't need convincing in this regard.  And yet...

It's NOT POSSIBLE to enjoy every second.  Can we just be honest about that??  I'm here to argue that it's not even ideal to try to soak up every second of these short chapters of our childrens' lives.  Yes, our children are beautiful and special and only small for a short period of time.  And we should be aware of that and milk it for all it's worth...*for the most part*.  BUT...how many times have I forced myself to put both my newbie and my toddler to bed after working a 10 hour day instead of giving myself a break because of this same logic?  How many times have I went out of my way to do something for one of my littles because I need to soak up this time and wound up feeling extra frustrated with my non-cooperating kid as a result?  How many times have I made a parenting decision in order to avoid GUILT as opposed to experience PLEASURE.  I'm embarrassed to admit it...but I don't think I'm alone either.

Parenting used to be something that people just did.  They didn't put a lot of thought into it, they didn't read about it a whole lot.  They just did it.  We've come a long way since those times and parents are more involved and educated than ever before.  And so much of that is good.  When you know better, you do better and all that jazz.

But parenting is almost becoming cult-like in some ways.  There are strict and rigid rules and people are judged harshly and almost demonized for not adhering to the unwritten rules - for not ascribing to the dogma of the new wave of parenting (read: I must enjoy every minute.  I must feel insane love for my newborn baby.  I must feel tremendous guilt for wanting to work).

God forbid we're honest about we feel.  God forbid someone say that it took them weeks to truly feel love for their baby (ahem, me with my second).  God forbid we occasionally choose a glass of wine and a terrible TV show over putting our children to bed every single night because we value our sanity as much as we value our children (something I don't ever allow myself to do).  God forbid if we feel HAPPY to go back to work after maternity leave as opposed to tearful and guilt-stricken (me...both times).

There!  I said it!!  GASP!  The Horror!!!!   I love my children to the moon, I think they are two of the most beautiful, incredible little people on the planet.  I would move mountains for them, die for them, kill for them.  Truly.  And yet...I still said all of those things above.

So there it is.  It feels good to just be honest.  So many of us don't allow ourselves to be honest because we fear the judgement from others (and ourselves!) and I get that.  I obviously struggle with that too.  But it keeps us isolated.  It makes us feel bad about ourselves because all we see is everyone else making it look so easy and it doesn't feel easy for us.  BUT IT'S BECAUSE IT'S NOT EASY!!

So I'm making a deal with myself to strive for BALANCE as opposed to being the *perfect* parent and "enjoying every moment".  I still want to put my kids to bed at night...but maybe I'll make it most nights as opposed to every night.  Because dammit, The Good Wife and a glass of Shiraz every now and then will make me a happier Mommy ;)

What about you?  How does the religion of parenting affect your parenting decisions?  What do you do to find more balance in your life?

Mommy Wars: Why They Happen and Your Role in Stopping Them

So this is how my day started today: I always wake up an hour earlier than my son so that I can have a little bit of alone time to enjoy and get organized for the day.  Well today, he decided to wake up 15 minutes after I did (read: no alone time for Mommy) and I soon discovered why: he had a gigantic, watery poop that had leaked all over himself, his pajamas and his bed.  Understandably, he wasn't very happy about it.  (PS - This has been going on for days now, often times in the middle of the night.  Docs said it's the tail end of a stomach virus and the nasty stuff coming out of his butt may continue to do that for another two weeks.  Joy.)  So I'm changing a screaming toddler's diaper, his clothes and throwing in a load of disgusting laundry, careful to pick out the chunks of poop so that all the rest of our clothes for the next week do not have fecal remnants on them.  Have I mentioned that I'm also terribly uncomfortable because I'm going to have a baby any day now?  Or that my husband needs to leave for work before most people's alarms even go off so I was doing this alone?  Anyway, I digress.  Then I have to get us ready for the day, walk to an L stop (because we don't have space for a second car), take the L with him to school, while it's pouring out mind you, and walk another few blocks to his school.  Then I walk myself back to the L, take the L downtown to work, and walk to my office.  In the rain.  Almost 39 weeks pregnant.  Uphill (I kid).  But you get the point.

Why do I tell you all of this?  I swear I'm not throwing a pity party for myself (although I do that at times as well).  I'm telling you this because on the last leg of my journey, I felt really impressed with myself.  I felt like a bonafide, bad-ass Superhero for being able to parent my child in a way I felt good about (despite him acting OBNOXIOUSLY) and continue to be successful at work all while insanely pregnant (and super uncomfortable).  I felt so proud of myself for making it through the morning without losing my temper, bursting into tears or falling down a set of slippery stairs on an L platform, that I wanted to shout it from the rooftops...or in today's world and my geographical location, post it on Facebook for everyone to see.  But I immediately started to wonder...  If I do that, will I offend full time stay at home Moms if I include that part of the reason that I'm proud of myself is that I work 3 days a week?  Will people think I'm bragging and therefore obnoxious??  What if I make another Mom feel terrible because she had a similar shitty morning (get it?? ;)) and doesn't feel as good about the way she handled it??

Now some of this is just me: me being over-sensitive and over-thinking things, both of which I'm constantly guilty of.  But some of this is our culture.  It's the "Mommy Wars" culture that we live in. (If "Mommy Wars" is not a concept you are familiar with, you HAVE to watch this hilarious, accurate and surprisingly touching commercial that you can find in the Mommy Wars link above).

Mommy Wars is basically the idea where instead of celebrating how bad ass we ALL are as parents, we tear each other down.  We judge others for how they parent: if they breastfeed or don't, work or don't, for how they discipline, how they love, how they live.  It's crazy...but we're all guilty of it.  And it gets in the way of us celebrating all of the amazing things we do every minute of every day.

If Mommy Wars is so terrible and makes us all ultimately feel bad, why do we do it??  Here's my two cents: Being a parent, and perhaps especially a Mom, is so all consuming from jump.  For most of us, it starts to change us the moment we see a plus sign on that stick we just peed on.  And because it's all consuming and changes us so much and often feels like the most important thing we could ever do...we're a little (or in some cases) a LOT sensitive about it.  We have researched or read or over-thought so many of our parent-related decisions that to have someone question what we do or simply choose something else, can feel like a slap in the face.  It doesn't just feel like a challenge to our decision...it can start to feel like a challenge to WHO WE ARE.  And that's really tough to deal with.

So how do we deal with this?  Well at some point we probably get defensive.  We feel the need to justify our decisions, to explain our rationale for doing something a certain way...or we tear down someone else's opinion/decision.  Why do we do this?  Because we're mean, terrible, judgmental people....?  Wrong!  We are prone to doing this because at that particular moment, it feels like the only thing we can do to hold on to who we are.  It feels like if we don't defend/justify/condemn - if we don't make the other person feel in the wrong - then we feel like WE are in the wrong.  And being in the wrong about a parenting decision - something that may deeply affect our children (or not but it probably FEELS that way ;)) - can feel like the WORST thing we could EVER do.  Is this rational?  No.  Is this way of handling a tough situation deliberate or well thought out?  Absolutely not.  But that's the way it plays out at some point regardless.

So how can we do better?  Well it's complicated, but at it's most basic, I think it comes down to a combination of my last two posts about vulnerability and judgment.  I think part of it is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable.  For me today, vulnerability would've been posting on Facebook about feeling like a superhero (which I didn't do, but I am writing this post ;)).  What would it be for you?  Would it be allowing yourself to tell someone you care about that you're not sure you made the right decision when you decided to..... (insert work, not work, breastfeed, not breastfeed, etc).  Would it be allowing yourself to tell someone you love what an awesome day of parenting you had without worrying about whether you sounded like you were "bragging"?  Think about it - what do you hold back saying for fear of judgment?  Next time you notice yourself holding back, instead try saying it to someone who is safe to take a risk with.  The next part is to try not to judge as much and instead, notice the insecurity that's behind the desire to judge.  When your inclination is to justify, rationalize, defend or judge someone else's lifestyle/choice/decision, rather than focus on them, focus on YOU.  Why are you feeling the need to do that?  What about YOUR lifestyle/choices/decisions are you feeling ambivalent about?  And then once your figure that out, you....you guessed it: talk to someone about it!  And be vulnerable all over again.

When you do this, a different cycle is born.  Instead of judgment, which leads to defensiveness, which leads to more judgment and distance we're now talking about a cycle of vulnerability, which leads to honesty, which leads to understanding, which leads to connection.  Because ya know what?  I am a Superhero.  And you, Mommy (or Daddy!), are too.  Now doesn't that sound nice?

Vulnerability: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Vulnerability.  It's a word I deal with all of the time in therapy, but also just by being the person that I am.  Anyone who knows me, knows that most of the time, vulnerability doesn't really feel like something I choose - it's just the main way that I know how to operate.  I feel things deeply and wear my heart on my sleeve - always have.  But there are other times when I make a conscious decision to be vulnerable and in those moments I'm reminded about just how difficult of a choice that can be.

This blog has prompted that choice point for me.  Initially, I was writing articles as a doctor - an expert; trying to teach people something they didn't previously know.  I thought it was important to have a specific skill or set of knowledge to communicate, have it backed by research and reveal very little of myself, because as a psychologist, self-disclosure is a no-no.  But the posts felt stale to me.  Academic.  Impersonal.  I wasn't passionate about what I was writing and it was coming through in the posts.  So I was left with a difficult decision: continue to be the "expert" and teach OR be a human being (who just happens to also be a psychologist), which meant disclosing my struggles, flaws and weaknesses.  That's always a difficult thing to do, but as a therapist, it felt even more challenging.  What if my colleagues thought that was a terrible decision?  What if my patients saw my posts and had negative reactions?  The anxiety I felt about potential judgment was pretty intense and I struggled with which direction to take.

If you've been following me though, you obviously know what I decided...and I'm glad that I did.  Because pretty much every time I can remember that I have chosen to be vulnerable - to reveal a part of myself that I don't like, to share something intensely private, to disclose something sensitive - I wind up feeling more connected than ever to others because something magical happens.  Other people start being honest too.  People suddenly feel like it's Ok to share their struggles, flaws and weaknesses.  The mask comes off, the walls come down and where there was distance and guards up, there is now openness.  Freedom.  Space.  People sharing not only the good, but the bad and the ugly too.

So many of us feel the need to keep up appearances in daily life and social media has made this worse to a significant degree.  We only talk about the happy times and show the parts of ourselves that we're proud of.  Checking the homepage on Facebook is picture after status update after picture of smiling faces, happy memories and good times.  I don't say that with judgment - I do it too.  And to a large extent that seems appropriate.  It would seem like a strange breech of boundaries to share our darkest thoughts and struggles with 500+ people on a regular basis.  And at the same time, it's a shame we don't use this enormous community to get support on a more regular basis.  What's worse is the fact that so many of us feel like we can't even confide in our closest friends or family because we fear burdening them with our problems and pain.  Since so many of us have this mentality, it means that we're all struggling silently and privately, putting on a happy face when we need to, but when it comes down to it, isolated with our struggles and feeling alone to boot.

What would it be like to take that risk and share your struggle with someone else?  To allow yourself to cry in the presence of someone you trust?  To give someone the privilege of seeing behind the curtain of your life in order to acknowledge that your career/marriage/children are not as wonderful as they may seem to be?  Can you imagine?  It sounds scary, I'm sure.  With good reason.  I was scared as hell to admit in a public forum the awful thoughts that went through my head about that thin, pregnant model.  But ya know what happened?  That post was read by more people and received more comments and positive feedback than anything else I've written.  There could be a hundred reasons for that, but I'm pretty sure a lot of it had to do with the fact that people tend to respond very kindly to other's humanity.  So maybe the next time you're struggling with something, instead of burying it or distracting yourself from it, talk to someone you love.  My guess is that you'll be amazed at what happens next :)

PS - If the concept of vulnerability intrigues you, you should definitely check out Brene Brown: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en  She is incredible!!

Why Do We All Judge So Much?

Recently, I saw the following pictures that were trending on Facebook:

These are selfies of a model who is 8.5 months pregnant.  Gasp.  Shock.  Awe.  Right?  Pretty normal, human reactions to have, I think, considering how incredibly tiny she is for that stage in pregnancy.  That was certainly my initial reaction.  And then comes the judgment.  I myself am only a few weeks away from having a baby and while I haven't really worried about how I have looked during my pregnancy...well...let's just say that these pictures didn't help the ego, yaknowwhatI'msayin'...??  So as I said, here comes the judgment.  I heard my thoughts rattle off criticism after criticism at a furious pace: What the hell is wrong with her?  She clearly has an eating disorder.  Why is it that we are so hung up on physical appearance in America that this woman feels like she needs to stay stick thin even though she's carrying a child!  Dear God, what if she has a girl and passes this clearly disordered body image crap onto her kid?!  On and on and on.  And these thoughts, as not nice as they are, are MILD in comparison to the comments that were provoked in response to these pictures by others.  To be fair, there was some nice comments along with the nasty ones, along the lines of "good for her" and "I hope I look like that when I'm pregnant!", but for the most part it was a lot of hostility, which I am obviously not immune to either.

But here's the important part that no one seemed to mention or consider (including me initially): this woman's OBGYN was quoted in the article.  He indicated that her pregnancy has been normal and uncomplicated.  He said that she has gained an appropriate amount of weight and he is not concerned about her health or the health of her unborn child.  THIS IS HER DOCTOR.  And yet, despite this person with a medical background indicating that everything with this perfect stranger's pregnancy is A.Ok, so many of us responded in a critical, self-righteous (ahem) or hostile way.  What's up with that??  And it seems as though we, as women, as more susceptible to this kind of thing than men. Why the hell are we so inclined to being so mean to each other, even as adults?

I wish I had something profound to say about this.  Something that felt like a revelation or a solution to the problem...but I don't.  I think this is mostly due to sexism and women being pitted against each other from a very young age, but I'm sure there are a TON of reasons that could take up an entire book so I won't tackle that for now.  And as far as solutions go, my psychologist brain goes to a hundred different complicated, research backed programs that would start in elementary school, teaching children (and parents) about how to instill a good sense of self, etc, etc, etc.

But the bottom line is easy and difficult at the same time: BE NICE TO ONE ANOTHER. And when you're not, check yourself and re-adjust your attitude.  I say it's easy because it sounds easy and in theory, should be easy.  But then we have a bad day, or get jealous, or feel badly about ourselves, and before you know it, we're passing judgement on someone else because it eases our own pain/struggle/suffering in that particular moment.  I'm not immune to this.  No one is.  Judgement, which at it's core is simply categorizing, is how our brains work.  We couldn't function in the world if we weren't able to make snap judgments about things and keep moving; we would be paralyzed by the incredible, sheer volume of information our brains need to digest every second of every day.  Judging is the essence of being human.  But that doesn't let us off the hook.

Catch yourself when you're doing it.  We will judge ourselves and others every day for the rest of our lives.  That's just the reality of the situation.  That doesn't make us bad people, it simply means that we're human.  But we need to catch ourselves.  Don't spiral on and on until your mood is ruined, your day is ruined and you've ruined other people's days because of all the venom.  Catch yourself.  Consider the possibility that we don't have all of the information (which c'mon, we don't!).  That it doesn't affect your life so it really doesn't matter anyway.  That as much as it's difficult to admit, you've struggled with the same sort of thing you're condemning someone else for.  And if none of those things work, just think about something else because why spend your precious energy hating on someone else??  So to this beautiful stranger in the pictures above, I wish you and your baby health and happiness.  Is there really anything else to say...?