The Transformative Power of Shared Pain

I have been in several situations lately where even I, as a psychologist, feel at a loss about what to say to someone.  Because the pain they are experiencing is so intense.  Because there's nothing that will make it better.  Because the situation is just so awful.  It's a strange feeling for me really - to be listening to someone and in the back of my mind have this white noise of, "Say Something You Moron!!!".  It feels panicky and idiotic that after 5 years of doctoral training and more than a decade in practice, I could still feel this way.  But when I think about it, it's the most human thing on the planet.

Most of my friends and family don't often ask me for professional advice, which I'm grateful for, but when a request like that does come down the pipe, 90% of the time it's wanting to know what they should say to someone who's in pain.  The advice that I always give is to say very little actually - that it's far more important to just listen.  I recently have been reminded how difficult that can be.  When we see someone we love in agony, we want to help.  We want to fix it.  We want to advise.  We want to reassure.  All of those instincts are coming from a really great place, but often times they aren't what the other person needs.  So if our loved ones don't need us to tell them what to do, how to think or what to feel, then what DO they need??

Well if you asked the rational me in these moments recently where I was sitting with folks and the pain was so great it put me in a state of panic, I wouldn't have been able to answer this question.  My brain was not functioning properly in these moments - I felt completely overwhelmed by the intensity of their distress and couldn't come up with words.  So I did what came naturally and followed my gut instinct: I cried with them.  There was nothing to say...nothing to do...nothing to fix.  It was awful and to say anything other than that would've been disrespectful in the deepest sense because it would've minimized just how terrible their situations were and I clearly didn't want to do that.  So I allowed myself to experience their pain and to feel my own pain for them and cried.  We cried together.  And in that moment, the connection that I felt with these two women was incredible.  The connection had always been there - I care deeply for them both - but I had been inadvertently blocking that connection with all of the worry about "what to say".

We constantly underestimate the value of simply sitting with someone in their pain - of feeling their pain with them - and often times, it's one of the few ways to give someone the love and support they need during an incredibly difficult time.

The 4 Most Dangerous Things You Can Do In a Relationship and How To Avoid Them

That’s a powerful thing to say right?  That there are four specific things you can do in a relationship that if done enough, over time will totally kill whatever good is there.  Might sound crazy, but it’s true.  For those of you who read my last post, you’re already familiar with Dr. John Gottman.  Gottman is one of the only people who has ever really studied love in a research setting with fantastic outcomes; a lot of what we know about love and relationships comes from his work.  What he has figured out after observing literally hundreds and hundreds of couples in his lab for years and years is that he can predict divorce with 91% accuracy after simply listening to a couple argue for 15 minutes or less.  Pretty impressive huh?  Well that accuracy is impressive, but that statistic scares the bejeezus out of most people.  We immediately start thinking, “Do I do any of these things??”… “Will my marriage/relationship survive??”.  Scary stuff.  It gets less scary though when you know what you’re dealing with…and what you can do about it.  So let’s get into it.

Gottman calls these four communication styles the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”.  The first is criticism.  Uh-oh you’re thinking.  I’m critical of my partner all the time!  Relax for a second.  We’re all allowed to have complaints about our partners and our relationships – in fact they’re unavoidable especially if you are sharing space together.  But there’s a big difference between a complaint (You agreed to wash the dishes last night and I’m pissed you didn’t do it.) versus criticism (You are so lazy!  Why can’t you ever do anything that I ask you to!).  See the difference?  A complaint is simply an objective truth and your personal reaction to it.  Criticism takes it to a whole other level by assaulting your partner’s character or personality.  Ok, so you’re no more relaxed even after I differentiate between a compliant and criticism because…sigh…if you’re being honest with yourself, you criticize your partner.  Fear not – you are in good company.  This is the most common horseman and doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is going up in flames.  Just be mindful and work on it k?

The second horseman is contempt.  What does contempt look like in this context?  Well a lot of things.  Gottman defines it as “sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor”.  This one is bad news because it conveys that you’re disgusted with your partner…and we can imagine that feeling like you disgust someone does not make for a great relationship.  So…stop it already!  Just kidding – I know it’s not that easy.  Acting in a contemptuous way happens when there are long-standing issues that don’t get resolved.  So there’s step one in terms of changing this poisonous communication style: work your sh*t out the first time around!  If you’re too worked up to talk about something when it first comes up, take a break, but then try again.  Don’t let stuff hang only for it to come up the next time where you have the same argument that doesn’t get resolved all over again.  Capisce?

The third horseman is defensiveness.  Most of us probably cringe when we hear about this because defensiveness is all too familiar; it’s so easy to fall into a trap of becoming defensive, especially if we feel attacked.  But at it’s best, being defensive is making excuses that your partner isn’t likely to hear and, at it’s worst, is simply attacking back.  I know it sounds terrible in black and white, but it’s a whole lot harder to avoid in reality.  The best thing you can do is notice and express how you’re reacting rather than just reacting.  Does that make sense?  Here’s what being defensive might sound like: “It’s not like you’re great at washing the dishes either! Can’t you ever give me a break?”.  In contrast, noticing and verbalizing your reaction could sound like this: “I’m feeling really angry at you right now and I want to lash out at you, but I’m trying not to”.  Again, sounds easy, but we know when your adrenaline is kickin’, it’s not.  So practice, practice, practice. 

The fourth and last horseman is stonewalling.  That looks pretty much how it sounds; it’s giving your partner the cold shoulder, refusing to talk or participate in the discussion, or even leaving the room or the house.  At its most basic, it’s someone going into shutdown mode.  This is more than not really paying attention - when the person you’re talking to maybe looks at you or absent-mindedly says “yeah” or “uh huh” a couple times; this is when you or your partner act like you don’t care what is coming out of your partner’s mouth.  Bad feeling.  Are you the stonewaller?  If so, try to notice when you’re getting worked up and take a break before you go off the grid and come back to your partner when you’re feeling calmer.  If your partner is the one that stonewalls, s/he is stonewalling because they feel like YOU are attacking them (ahem, see the first three horseman).  So the same rules apply – take a break, take a breath, try again.

Are you relieved?  Totally freaked out?  Either way, here’s the good news: you’re reading this post, which means you want to work on your relationship.  The only way the four horsemen stomp your relationship to death is if you let them.  If you refuse to acknowledge your role in the problems your relationship is experiencing.  If you want to constantly blame your partner.  If you’re unwilling to work on changing your behavior or attitude.  If you’re willing to honestly look at yourself and your part and then genuinely try to do something different, that’s half the battle.  And ready to hear something really crazy?  When you mess up, as you surely will because you are human, you can always APOLOGIZE.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it!  But more on that later.  For now, let’s just work on recognizing when we’re not being nice to our partners and do something different.  That’s more than enough for now ;)

Blueprints for Love: Gaining Insight About our Past = Healthier, Happier Relationships

Since it’s February, and not just any week in February, but the week of Valentine’s Day, it feels only appropriate to make the rest of this month about romantic love and relationships.  As I previously mentioned in my introductory post, relationships are often complicated, even the good ones.  In order to make them better and more satisfying, it’s often necessary to really understand what your relational blueprint looks like.  What on earth is a relational blueprint?  Before we address that, let’s back up…

Do you have a “type”?  Meaning, do you find that you consistently gravitate toward the same kind of romantic partners?  I know mine: they are all, for the most part, tall, dark and handsome.  Ok…it’s slightly more complicated than that since that would describe the type for at least 50% of the hetero women out there ;)  But you get my point.  For some people, it’s only men that are emotionally unavailable.  For others, it’s women who put them on a pedestal.  There’s a similar dynamic that is a part of most of your relationships despite the fact that there are different people playing the roles.  Sound familiar?  

Ever stop to think about why that is?  Many people will speculate about this and I don’t necessarily think there’s only one right answer.  BUT in my opinion and experience, this pull toward a certain kind of person and personality stems from our earliest relationships: the relationships we had with our parents and their relationship with each other (for the record, the “parents” I’m referring to can be Mom/Dad, Mom/Mom, Dad/Dad, Mom/Grandma, etc).  These are the first relationships we ever experience which shape our brain and emotions in very powerful, long-lasting ways.  These relationships lay the foundation for future relationships and create a template for how we interact with others for years to come: it’s our relational blueprint.  Make sense?

Ok, that’s probably not tough to see.  Many of us might say that our partner is “just like my Dad/Mom/Grandmother”.  But what does this mean for us?  Even if we had the best parenting available to us, our early caregivers are only human with their own flaws, quirks and hang-ups.  And if we did not have the best parenting available to us because our caregiver was physically ill, mentally ill, addicted to something or someone, etc…then what?  Are we destined to wind up with partners who aren’t any good for us simply because that’s the direction our blueprint nudges us in?  Not at all…but it takes work and a conscious, deliberate effort to change the blueprint and choose something – and someone – else. 

So where do we start?  If you’ve ever gotten out of a bad relationship only to wind up in another one that feels almost exactly the same, you understand the dilemma and how difficult this pattern is to break.  Instead of looking outward – at all of your partner’s flaws, misgivings and bad behavior – look inward.  Look backward.  Ask yourself:

1.       What were your relationships like with your earliest caregivers?  Did you feel loved?  Cared for?  Heard?  Seen?  Understood? 

2.       Did you feel that way most of the time, some of the time or almost none of the time?

3.       If it wasn’t an ideal relationship, what was the dynamic/pattern playing out?  Were you expected to take care of your parents needs instead of it being the other way around?  Were you (or another parent ) a literal or metaphorical punching bag for a stressed out caregiver?  Did you feel invisible around your parent/s?

4.       How does your current partner (or partners you've had in the past) mimic or deviate from these patterns?  Perhaps your Mom was really invasive and overwhelming and now you find yourself with women who are only very aloof and distant.  Or perhaps you wound up with a very invasive and overwhelming partner all over again.

These are difficult questions to think about, let alone answer, so take your time.  But when you’re ready, honestly think about how you would answer these questions.  My guess is that it’ll be an interesting and insightful exercise even if it’s potentially painful.  Because here’s the thing: only when you are aware of problems do you have any power to actually change them.  So this fearless moral inventory, as the 12-steppers might say, is the first step toward shifting your relationships to something healthier, happier and more fulfilling.  And isn’t that what we all want?

All You Need Is Love

Well hello!  My name is Dr. Colleen Cira and I am a Licensed Clinical Psychologist.  I’m also the mother of a beautiful 2.5 year old little boy, a soon-to-be little girl, happily married to my husband and living in Chicago.  I blogged awhile back as part of a way to marry my love of psychology and market my business as a…cough, Mary Kay consultant (don’t ask).  The Mary Kay gig didn’t last long, but my love of blogging persisted.  Life got busy, but I’m finally at a place where I’d like to start writing again…so here I am.

So what can you expect to read about?  Well lots of stuff!  We’re going to discuss romantic relationships, friendships, family, anxiety, sadness, women’s issues, self-care and all sorts of other interesting things.  My intention though is that the thread that weaves through all of these issues is love.  Love you say with a perplexed look.  Yes…love.  When people hear the word love, they typically associate it with romantic love, a cheesy Celine Dion song, “The Notebook”, yada, yada.  While we will cover some of that, the love that I’m talking about is a bit broader.  I’m talking about what it truly means to love ourselves and love others. 

I’ve been doing therapy for over 10 years now and almost everyone that I work with says the most horrific things to themselves...and I’m not excluded from this category at times!  We treat ourselves so much worse than we typically would ever dream of treating someone else.  We call ourselves awful names for making small, human mistakes.  We beat ourselves up for things that happen that are completely out of our control.  We second guess so many of the things we do, say and think.  And all of this self-criticism makes us sad or anxious or strains our relationships.  But so many of us think it’s necessary!  We convince ourselves that we need this sort of treatment to stay in line or be our best.  Through this blog, I would like to explore why we all do this to ourselves from time to time and invite us to think about other ways of being our most ideal selves.

As I mentioned, loving others is what is most typically thought of when the word “love” comes up…and for good reason!  Being deeply and authentically connected to another person is one of the most incredible experiences available to us as human beings.  But it’s not always easy, as we are all well aware of.  Romantic relationships are full of turmoil and strife and can end abruptly and disastrously.  Friendships can feel sparse or at times non-existent.  And the ones we can disappoint and fail us.  Our families can do their best and it still may not feel like what we need.  Yes, relationships are complicated and scary…but they can also be magical and life transforming.  We’ll do a lot of talking about how to decrease the drama and fear and increase the pleasure and joy of all sorts of relationships.

Bottom line: bad stuff happens to “good people” All. The. Time.  It’s unfortunate, but that’s the reality.  One that many of us are all too familiar with.  But what I believe and have seen 100 times over, is that with understanding, compassion and above all things – LOVE – we can not only survive the bad stuff, but THRIVE from it.  We can use the bad stuff to transform our souls and our lives and make it better and richer than we ever allowed ourselves to imagine.  How you say?  Well…that’s a bit more complicated and exactly what my blog will address.  I hope you’ll join me for the ride J