1 year ago my marriage was on the rocks. My stress, anger & frustration were through the roof. I experienced my first (& hopefully last!) bought of clinical depression that left it difficult for me to get through the day (and at times I didn't without some serious assistance from family and friends). My business was rockin', but I simultaneously felt like I was failing at all of the things that no one else could see. It was BRUTAL. But ya know what else happened 1 year ago?
I made a decision to change.
I stopped blaming other people for my circumstances. I started taking actual responsibility for my own happiness rather than relying on others to do that for me. I stopped coping in unhealthy ways & instead started actually taking care of myself: I developed a daily practice of meditation; I got into my own personal therapy (again); I got Nick & I into martial therapy (again); I prioritized alone time, despite the barriers to actually doing that, which I have (re-)learned is vital for my well-being. I reminded myself over and over and over again that I was worthy & deserving all of my efforts (even when it didn’t feel that way).
But let's be real about this enormous change. I didn't just get miserable, wake up the next day & do things differently. This misery, & subsequent change, took YEARS. The build up of unhappiness that burst last summer crept up on me slowly & the whole working-toward-change-thing happened in fits & starts. But I kept at it & now I'm beginning to savor the fruit of my labor.
So why am I telling you all of this? Well…the other day I posted professional family pictures that portray my family in a beautiful way (curtesy of Jamilla Yipp Photography ;)). We are all smiling & look happy…and in those moments, we truly were. But the pictures I posted weren’t of my children’s tantrums (which they did). They weren’t of Nick and I disciplining the tantrums (which we did) or hugging through the tears (which we also did). Because those don’t make great pictures!
But I feel very aware of how others might perceive my life and myself as a result of those pictures or simply from people knowing that I’m a Psychologist. There might be assumptions about the happiness of my marriage or the behavior and/or general well-being of my children or the perceived ease of our family life. Which I get - and the pictures certainly collude with those assumptions! Social media is all about the appearance of perfection. And trying to maintain that, even if it's not conscious, is exhausting. And witnessing other people's seemingly wonderful lives in this fish bowl kind of way can be depressing & send us into shame spirals about why-the-hell-don’t-we-have-our-sh*t-together-like-so-and-so. So here I am saying it:
NO ONE IS PERFECT.
Not me, not you, not anyone. No life is as glorious as it seems on FB. And I know that you probably know that, but it’s also very easy (for me at least) to forget so I think we need frequent reminders. We all struggle at times. We’re all climbing our own personal mountains and sometimes life really sucks even if we’re not blasting that fact on social media.
So be kind. To yourself & to others. And please, celebrate the wins. I know I certainly am <3
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Dr. Colleen Cira is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, the Founder and Director of Cira Center for Behavioral Health, a trauma and anxiety expert, clinical supervisor, writer, speaker, wife and Mommy of two little ones. She has a practice in Chicago's Loop and Oak Park. To learn more about her and her practice, please visit www.ciracenter.org
