How Well Do You Know Your Partner?

My last post was all about the importance of knowing yourself.  Of understanding where you’ve come from to better understand where you are now so you can make healthier, more informed decisions about where you want to be.  That’s absolutely the first step to more fulfilling relationships.  But how well do you know your partner?  Do you spend more time on your iPad or watching Netflix than inquiring about your partner’s day?  Do you fully understand what your partner is most stressed about at this point in their life?  Most passionate about?  Couples who take the time to connect in some way every day have stronger bonds that can withstand even significant stressors better than couples who don’t. 

Dr. John M. Gottman, a leading expert on romantic relationships, calls this kind of knowledge about your partner a “love map” and he defines it as being “intimately familiar with each other’s worlds”.  Couples with very detailed love maps think about their partners a lot…and know a lot about them.  They check in throughout the day or make time at the end of every day to listen to their partner’s stories.  Bottom line: they make each other their number one priority.  So where does your relationship stand in this regard?  *Gottman offers this short quiz to find out:

1. I can name my partner’s best friends T F
2.  I can tell you what stressors my partner is currently facing T F
3. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately T F
4. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams  T F
5. I am very familiar with my partner’s religious beliefs and ideas T F
6. I can tell you about my partner’s basic life philosophy T F
7. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least T F
8. I know my partner’s favorite music T F
9. I can list my partner’s three favorite movies T F
10. My spouse is familiar with my stressors T F
11. I know the three most special times in my partner’s life T F
12. I can tell you the most stressful thing that happened to my partner as a child T F
13. I can list my partner’s major aspirations and hopes in life T F
14. I know my partern’s major current worries T F
15. My spouse knows who my friends are T F
16. I know what my partner would want to do if s/he suddenly won the lottery T F
17. I can tell you in detail my first impressions of my partner T F
18. Periodically I ask my partner about his or her world right now T F
19. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well T F
20. My spouse is familiar with my hopes and aspirations T F

Give yourself one point for each “true” answer.  If you scored above a 10, congrats!  You have a pretty good love map of your partner!  If you scored below a 10, then it looks like you have some chatting with do with your partner J  Don’t spend even a second beating up yourself or your partner for not getting the score you would’ve hoped and instead, ask them on a date pronto.  There’s a lot of fun information for you to learn about your partner and knowledge isn’t only power…it’s love as well.  Click here for more fun quizzes and exercises to do with your partner.  Happy learning!

*Quiz taken from “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert” by John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver.

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Colleen Cira, Psy.D. is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and practices at Michigan Avenue Neuropsychologists in the Chicago Loop.  To schedule a free phone consultation with her, please call (872) 395-8091 or email her at drcolleencira@gmail.com.

Blueprints for Love: Gaining Insight About our Past = Healthier, Happier Relationships

Since it’s February, and not just any week in February, but the week of Valentine’s Day, it feels only appropriate to make the rest of this month about romantic love and relationships.  As I previously mentioned in my introductory post, relationships are often complicated, even the good ones.  In order to make them better and more satisfying, it’s often necessary to really understand what your relational blueprint looks like.  What on earth is a relational blueprint?  Before we address that, let’s back up…

Do you have a “type”?  Meaning, do you find that you consistently gravitate toward the same kind of romantic partners?  I know mine: they are all, for the most part, tall, dark and handsome.  Ok…it’s slightly more complicated than that since that would describe the type for at least 50% of the hetero women out there ;)  But you get my point.  For some people, it’s only men that are emotionally unavailable.  For others, it’s women who put them on a pedestal.  There’s a similar dynamic that is a part of most of your relationships despite the fact that there are different people playing the roles.  Sound familiar?  

Ever stop to think about why that is?  Many people will speculate about this and I don’t necessarily think there’s only one right answer.  BUT in my opinion and experience, this pull toward a certain kind of person and personality stems from our earliest relationships: the relationships we had with our parents and their relationship with each other (for the record, the “parents” I’m referring to can be Mom/Dad, Mom/Mom, Dad/Dad, Mom/Grandma, etc).  These are the first relationships we ever experience which shape our brain and emotions in very powerful, long-lasting ways.  These relationships lay the foundation for future relationships and create a template for how we interact with others for years to come: it’s our relational blueprint.  Make sense?

Ok, that’s probably not tough to see.  Many of us might say that our partner is “just like my Dad/Mom/Grandmother”.  But what does this mean for us?  Even if we had the best parenting available to us, our early caregivers are only human with their own flaws, quirks and hang-ups.  And if we did not have the best parenting available to us because our caregiver was physically ill, mentally ill, addicted to something or someone, etc…then what?  Are we destined to wind up with partners who aren’t any good for us simply because that’s the direction our blueprint nudges us in?  Not at all…but it takes work and a conscious, deliberate effort to change the blueprint and choose something – and someone – else. 

So where do we start?  If you’ve ever gotten out of a bad relationship only to wind up in another one that feels almost exactly the same, you understand the dilemma and how difficult this pattern is to break.  Instead of looking outward – at all of your partner’s flaws, misgivings and bad behavior – look inward.  Look backward.  Ask yourself:

1.       What were your relationships like with your earliest caregivers?  Did you feel loved?  Cared for?  Heard?  Seen?  Understood? 

2.       Did you feel that way most of the time, some of the time or almost none of the time?

3.       If it wasn’t an ideal relationship, what was the dynamic/pattern playing out?  Were you expected to take care of your parents needs instead of it being the other way around?  Were you (or another parent ) a literal or metaphorical punching bag for a stressed out caregiver?  Did you feel invisible around your parent/s?

4.       How does your current partner (or partners you've had in the past) mimic or deviate from these patterns?  Perhaps your Mom was really invasive and overwhelming and now you find yourself with women who are only very aloof and distant.  Or perhaps you wound up with a very invasive and overwhelming partner all over again.

These are difficult questions to think about, let alone answer, so take your time.  But when you’re ready, honestly think about how you would answer these questions.  My guess is that it’ll be an interesting and insightful exercise even if it’s potentially painful.  Because here’s the thing: only when you are aware of problems do you have any power to actually change them.  So this fearless moral inventory, as the 12-steppers might say, is the first step toward shifting your relationships to something healthier, happier and more fulfilling.  And isn’t that what we all want?

All You Need Is Love

Well hello!  My name is Dr. Colleen Cira and I am a Licensed Clinical Psychologist.  I’m also the mother of a beautiful 2.5 year old little boy, a soon-to-be little girl, happily married to my husband and living in Chicago.  I blogged awhile back as part of a way to marry my love of psychology and market my business as a…cough, Mary Kay consultant (don’t ask).  The Mary Kay gig didn’t last long, but my love of blogging persisted.  Life got busy, but I’m finally at a place where I’d like to start writing again…so here I am.

So what can you expect to read about?  Well lots of stuff!  We’re going to discuss romantic relationships, friendships, family, anxiety, sadness, women’s issues, self-care and all sorts of other interesting things.  My intention though is that the thread that weaves through all of these issues is love.  Love you say with a perplexed look.  Yes…love.  When people hear the word love, they typically associate it with romantic love, a cheesy Celine Dion song, “The Notebook”, yada, yada.  While we will cover some of that, the love that I’m talking about is a bit broader.  I’m talking about what it truly means to love ourselves and love others. 

I’ve been doing therapy for over 10 years now and almost everyone that I work with says the most horrific things to themselves...and I’m not excluded from this category at times!  We treat ourselves so much worse than we typically would ever dream of treating someone else.  We call ourselves awful names for making small, human mistakes.  We beat ourselves up for things that happen that are completely out of our control.  We second guess so many of the things we do, say and think.  And all of this self-criticism makes us sad or anxious or strains our relationships.  But so many of us think it’s necessary!  We convince ourselves that we need this sort of treatment to stay in line or be our best.  Through this blog, I would like to explore why we all do this to ourselves from time to time and invite us to think about other ways of being our most ideal selves.

As I mentioned, loving others is what is most typically thought of when the word “love” comes up…and for good reason!  Being deeply and authentically connected to another person is one of the most incredible experiences available to us as human beings.  But it’s not always easy, as we are all well aware of.  Romantic relationships are full of turmoil and strife and can end abruptly and disastrously.  Friendships can feel sparse or at times non-existent.  And the ones we can disappoint and fail us.  Our families can do their best and it still may not feel like what we need.  Yes, relationships are complicated and scary…but they can also be magical and life transforming.  We’ll do a lot of talking about how to decrease the drama and fear and increase the pleasure and joy of all sorts of relationships.

Bottom line: bad stuff happens to “good people” All. The. Time.  It’s unfortunate, but that’s the reality.  One that many of us are all too familiar with.  But what I believe and have seen 100 times over, is that with understanding, compassion and above all things – LOVE – we can not only survive the bad stuff, but THRIVE from it.  We can use the bad stuff to transform our souls and our lives and make it better and richer than we ever allowed ourselves to imagine.  How you say?  Well…that’s a bit more complicated and exactly what my blog will address.  I hope you’ll join me for the ride J