Hell Hath No Fury

I was 11 years old and in elementary school when my friend’s older brother suggested that we hide behind a tree together during what was supposed to be an innocent game of hide and seek (you can read that whole story here: http://ciracenter.org/2016/06/brock-turner-is-not-problem.html).  I was 11 years old when this boy jammed his tongue down my throat, rammed his hand under my shirt and my bra, grabbed at my breasts and attempted to wedge his fingers inside of me. I was 11 years old when I experienced what I now know as dissociation and the submit response - the final and forgotten phase of the nervous system's fight, flight, freeze response - for the first time in my life. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak...I could only cry and stare at the moon for what felt like an eternity because I was so utterly terrified of what was being done to my body without my consent.

I was 11.

Fast forward 26 years.  Brett Kavanaugh has been credibly accused of sexual assault by three different woman and he has just been confirmed as our newest Supreme Court Justice.  Every time I have thought about writing about this, I either start crying and then avoid it or avoid it all together.

What can be said that hasn’t been said already??  

We talk and talk and explain and plead for understanding...to be seen...to be heard...to be validated and none of it matters.  Brett Kavanaugh is still appointed to the Supreme Court. Donald Trump is still President. Women continue to betray their own.  And men will continue to rape, abuse and assault. So what’s the point?? For the last couple of weeks, I’ve pretty much been stuck in this deep, dark place, caught between profound despair and hopelessness and murderous rage.

Because anyone who is a survivor, and many who are not, could’ve told you before it happened that no one would take Dr. Ford seriously.  Because we haven’t been taken seriously either.  

We could’ve told you that even when people pretended to take her seriously, like with a joke of an FBI investigation, that it would end exactly the same.  Because our personal abuse/assault histories were never resolved either.

We already knew this was going to go down the way it did.  Because this is just simply how we treat survivors here - same shit, different day.  But to have it play out on this particular platform at this particular level...despite the fact that we knew it would end this way, it’s also too much.  The entire federal government just made it clear to the entire world that women have no worth other than the sexual gratification of men. They just made it clear that we will never be believed (if a white woman who also has a doctorate isn’t believed, then no one will be believed).  And that if it did happen and we are to be believed, that it’s our fault anyway because insert some rape-culture-victim-blaming statement here.

It’s just too much.

It’s one thing to have our friends and/or our families struggle to say and do the right thing when we disclose our sexual trauma or how it’s affected us.  And as much as we hate it, it’s so normal for us to have no real motivation to report or even disclose what happened to us because...well, we know how that goes.  But to know that at the highest level of our judicial system sits a man so steeped in privilege and power that he was able to get a promotion after having several very credible accusations of sexual assault….well, that can feel like the death blow at times.  That has made me feel like there’s nothing left to fight for. If it’s 2018 and THAT can still happen...we’re doomed.

So if you’re in that place too, I get it.  I’m sobbing as I write this because I feel it so strongly.  If you have moments of feeling like you have no fight left in you, I’m with you.  The world can be such a disturbing, fucked up place and sometimes the energy that is required to just get through the day is all you can muster.  I profoundly get it. So take a minute to rest. Hell, take a week. Get off of Facebook. Stop listening to NPR. Stop watching CNN. Read something light.  Cry with people who get it. Take a bath. Watch something funny. Take a little real-world hiatus. This is deserving of your tears and it’s Ok to take a break.

BUT THEN RISE UP.  Because this shit can’t stand any longer.  

How many times has someone grabbed your ass or your breasts without your permission?

How many times has someone rubbed their body against yours??

How many times has someone continued to touch you and pressure you despite your lack of an enthusiastic “yes”?

How many times have you felt threatened or intimidated by a man’s unwanted attention?

How many times have you been catcalled on the street?

How many times have you felt objectified as a sexual object rather than an actual person?

How many times have you been made to feel like you did something wrong even though you were a victim to someone else’s bad behavior?

How many times has a man bought you drink after drink with the intention of having sex with you when you’re not legally able to consent?

How many times have you wound up in a sexual situation that you’re not sure you want to be in?

HOW MANY TIMES???

ENOUGH.

All of these men in the government are banking on this “blowing over”, some have even explicitly said so.  So we need to scream at the top of our lungs. We need to VOTE in record numbers. We need to protest every chance that we get.  We need to talk to whoever will listen. We need to burn it down (not literally of course ;)) and start over again.

If they won’t listen when we’re rational and intelligent and non-emotional, as Dr. Ford so bravely did, then we’ll get ugly.  We’ll get loud. We’ll get angry. And when they still won’t listen, we’ll vote them out. Every last one.  By all means, ladies and allies, take a moment to rest and mourn this historical, monumental loss and failure at the highest level.  But then get your pitchforks and megaphones and get ready...

Because hell hath no fury as millions of women scorned.

For all things voting, go here: https://crooked.com/articles/be-a-voter-save-america/

Dr. Colleen Cira is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, trauma and anxiety expert, clinical supervisor, writer, speaker, wife and Mommy of two little ones.  She has a practice in Chicago’s Loop and Oak Park.  To schedule an appointment with her or her staff, please visit www.ciracenter.org

I Ain't Afraid of No Ghost! (Or Maybe I Am...)

We've been talking a lot about the monster within lately, when you feel like a monster and what happens inside your body and brain when you're feeling that way.  And most of what those posts have discussed is the experience of being angry.  Which is big.  But what we haven't talked about yet and really need to is FEAR.  

All of the same stuff applies in terms of the nerdy brain structures (limbic system and amygdala), chemistry (adrenaline and cortisol) and bodily reactions (increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, shortness of breath, etc), but we interpret all of these things much differently because instead of wanting to kill someone (not truly of course), we're terrified.  And perhaps not even sure why.  So let's talk about that....

The other day I was scrolling through Facebook when I stumbled upon a video.  For any of you who use Facebook, I don't have to tell you that the videos in your feed start to play without audio as soon as you scroll by them.  So this video started of people waiting in some kind of line in some kind of store and suddenly a woman is carrying what appears to be a very young child who is totally limp in her arms.  

Confused (and alarmed), I began to read the description of the video, which said, "A 2-year-old girl in a Perth IGA became unconscious and stopped breathing Sunday. The store’s a CCTV camera shows the girl’s mother, Amy Collard, coming toward a cashier line from the aisle carrying her daughter’s limp body."

A small voice in my head that felt very far away and muffled said, "Stop reading!!  Stop watching!!", but it was almost like I couldn't change my behavior.  I could feel that tiny, far away part of me starting to freak out a bit, but it was like watching a train wreck: I could not take my eyes off this video.  Within a minute or two, this toddler's lifeless body is thrown onto the check out station for a man to begin CPR on her.  I think it was at this point (although I don't really remember which happens quite a bit when you're freaking the eff out), that tiny voice got louder and forced my fingers to turn off the screen on my phone.  And once my phone was off, I started to realize what was happening.

I was starting to have a panic attack.

My breathing was rapid and shallow, the start of hyperventilation.  My heart was beating out of my chest.  I was crying and wasn't even aware of it.  I began to experience tunnel vision, where it feels like your range of vision is getting more narrow by the second.  I felt hot and flustered.  

And again, that small but helpful voice buried somewhere under the panic reminded me that this is simply the start of a panic attack and all I needed to do is breathe.  

So I did.  

I closed my eyes and focused all of my energy on taking slow, low, deep breaths through my nose and within a couple of minutes, the panic reaction ended.  

Whew!  Crisis averted.  Now what the hell happened??

Well we know what happened literally speaking.  My brain was super freaked out about this horrifying video (the girl is just fine btw, thank god!!!) and flipped shit.  Amygdala took over and I was totally unable to be rational about the situation and instead had to initially ride out my reaction until I realized what was happening and could circumvent it.  

And why did my brain flip out about this?  Well that's pretty easy too: I have two young children and while there are few things that I seriously worry about regarding them, the one thing I worry about quite a bit is their health and safety.  So seeing a child the age of my oldest lifeless for no goddamn reason in the middle of a perfectly normal day in a perfectly normal store shook me up.  Bad.  

Makes sense.  But if you've ever had a panic attack, you're probably curious about what you can learn from this.  So here we go:

1) Know your triggers.  For me, anything that reminds me that something awful could happen to my children is going to trigger me.  It's a soft spot for me.  Which is good to know because knowing that, I can mentally prepare myself when I anticipate that I might hear, see or be reminded of that.  And awareness is half the battle.

2) Know your brain and body.  Do you have any idea what is going on in your brain and body most of the time?  If not, start observing.  Get your doctorate in YOU.  In fact, take a moment right now and check in with yourself.  What's on your mind?  What kinds of things are you thinking about?  What emotions are you feeling?  What's happening in your body?  Do you feel physically relaxed?  Are you muscle tense and bothering you?  Once checking in with yourself become habit, you'll be able to notice what could turn into really intense feelings before they actually get intense.  

3) Once you notice something is amiss, BREATHE.  Slow, low, deep breaths through your nose.  Look for a detailed post on that coming up, but for now know that slow, low, deep breaths will short circuit a panic/anxiety response.

4) If you're really freaking out, it will help to focus on something other than the upsetting thoughts.  Breathing wouldn't have done me a whole lot of good I just kept picturing that little girl's lifeless body or thinking about something bad happening to my own kiddos.  So pick a spot on the wall or floor and stare at it hard.  Or come up with something to say over and over again like "all I need to do is breathe" or "I'm going to be just fine".  

Now if you have panic attacks on a regular basis, worry about having more of them or change your behavior significantly because of them (hard time leaving the house, avoid potential triggers, etc), then this article isn't getting it done and you might need treatment.  Feel free to visit me on my website if you're interested in scheduling an appointment to learn how to get rid of these emotional roller coasters.  

Do you know what your triggers are?  What makes you irrationally angry or super scared?  Tell me about it on my Facebook page!