Hell Hath No Fury

I was 11 years old and in elementary school when my friend’s older brother suggested that we hide behind a tree together during what was supposed to be an innocent game of hide and seek (you can read that whole story here: http://ciracenter.org/2016/06/brock-turner-is-not-problem.html).  I was 11 years old when this boy jammed his tongue down my throat, rammed his hand under my shirt and my bra, grabbed at my breasts and attempted to wedge his fingers inside of me. I was 11 years old when I experienced what I now know as dissociation and the submit response - the final and forgotten phase of the nervous system's fight, flight, freeze response - for the first time in my life. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak...I could only cry and stare at the moon for what felt like an eternity because I was so utterly terrified of what was being done to my body without my consent.

I was 11.

Fast forward 26 years.  Brett Kavanaugh has been credibly accused of sexual assault by three different woman and he has just been confirmed as our newest Supreme Court Justice.  Every time I have thought about writing about this, I either start crying and then avoid it or avoid it all together.

What can be said that hasn’t been said already??  

We talk and talk and explain and plead for understanding...to be seen...to be heard...to be validated and none of it matters.  Brett Kavanaugh is still appointed to the Supreme Court. Donald Trump is still President. Women continue to betray their own.  And men will continue to rape, abuse and assault. So what’s the point?? For the last couple of weeks, I’ve pretty much been stuck in this deep, dark place, caught between profound despair and hopelessness and murderous rage.

Because anyone who is a survivor, and many who are not, could’ve told you before it happened that no one would take Dr. Ford seriously.  Because we haven’t been taken seriously either.  

We could’ve told you that even when people pretended to take her seriously, like with a joke of an FBI investigation, that it would end exactly the same.  Because our personal abuse/assault histories were never resolved either.

We already knew this was going to go down the way it did.  Because this is just simply how we treat survivors here - same shit, different day.  But to have it play out on this particular platform at this particular level...despite the fact that we knew it would end this way, it’s also too much.  The entire federal government just made it clear to the entire world that women have no worth other than the sexual gratification of men. They just made it clear that we will never be believed (if a white woman who also has a doctorate isn’t believed, then no one will be believed).  And that if it did happen and we are to be believed, that it’s our fault anyway because insert some rape-culture-victim-blaming statement here.

It’s just too much.

It’s one thing to have our friends and/or our families struggle to say and do the right thing when we disclose our sexual trauma or how it’s affected us.  And as much as we hate it, it’s so normal for us to have no real motivation to report or even disclose what happened to us because...well, we know how that goes.  But to know that at the highest level of our judicial system sits a man so steeped in privilege and power that he was able to get a promotion after having several very credible accusations of sexual assault….well, that can feel like the death blow at times.  That has made me feel like there’s nothing left to fight for. If it’s 2018 and THAT can still happen...we’re doomed.

So if you’re in that place too, I get it.  I’m sobbing as I write this because I feel it so strongly.  If you have moments of feeling like you have no fight left in you, I’m with you.  The world can be such a disturbing, fucked up place and sometimes the energy that is required to just get through the day is all you can muster.  I profoundly get it. So take a minute to rest. Hell, take a week. Get off of Facebook. Stop listening to NPR. Stop watching CNN. Read something light.  Cry with people who get it. Take a bath. Watch something funny. Take a little real-world hiatus. This is deserving of your tears and it’s Ok to take a break.

BUT THEN RISE UP.  Because this shit can’t stand any longer.  

How many times has someone grabbed your ass or your breasts without your permission?

How many times has someone rubbed their body against yours??

How many times has someone continued to touch you and pressure you despite your lack of an enthusiastic “yes”?

How many times have you felt threatened or intimidated by a man’s unwanted attention?

How many times have you been catcalled on the street?

How many times have you felt objectified as a sexual object rather than an actual person?

How many times have you been made to feel like you did something wrong even though you were a victim to someone else’s bad behavior?

How many times has a man bought you drink after drink with the intention of having sex with you when you’re not legally able to consent?

How many times have you wound up in a sexual situation that you’re not sure you want to be in?

HOW MANY TIMES???

ENOUGH.

All of these men in the government are banking on this “blowing over”, some have even explicitly said so.  So we need to scream at the top of our lungs. We need to VOTE in record numbers. We need to protest every chance that we get.  We need to talk to whoever will listen. We need to burn it down (not literally of course ;)) and start over again.

If they won’t listen when we’re rational and intelligent and non-emotional, as Dr. Ford so bravely did, then we’ll get ugly.  We’ll get loud. We’ll get angry. And when they still won’t listen, we’ll vote them out. Every last one.  By all means, ladies and allies, take a moment to rest and mourn this historical, monumental loss and failure at the highest level.  But then get your pitchforks and megaphones and get ready...

Because hell hath no fury as millions of women scorned.

For all things voting, go here: https://crooked.com/articles/be-a-voter-save-america/

Dr. Colleen Cira is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, trauma and anxiety expert, clinical supervisor, writer, speaker, wife and Mommy of two little ones.  She has a practice in Chicago’s Loop and Oak Park.  To schedule an appointment with her or her staff, please visit www.ciracenter.org

I Ain't Afraid of No Ghost! (Or Maybe I Am...)

We've been talking a lot about the monster within lately, when you feel like a monster and what happens inside your body and brain when you're feeling that way.  And most of what those posts have discussed is the experience of being angry.  Which is big.  But what we haven't talked about yet and really need to is FEAR.  

All of the same stuff applies in terms of the nerdy brain structures (limbic system and amygdala), chemistry (adrenaline and cortisol) and bodily reactions (increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, shortness of breath, etc), but we interpret all of these things much differently because instead of wanting to kill someone (not truly of course), we're terrified.  And perhaps not even sure why.  So let's talk about that....

The other day I was scrolling through Facebook when I stumbled upon a video.  For any of you who use Facebook, I don't have to tell you that the videos in your feed start to play without audio as soon as you scroll by them.  So this video started of people waiting in some kind of line in some kind of store and suddenly a woman is carrying what appears to be a very young child who is totally limp in her arms.  

Confused (and alarmed), I began to read the description of the video, which said, "A 2-year-old girl in a Perth IGA became unconscious and stopped breathing Sunday. The store’s a CCTV camera shows the girl’s mother, Amy Collard, coming toward a cashier line from the aisle carrying her daughter’s limp body."

A small voice in my head that felt very far away and muffled said, "Stop reading!!  Stop watching!!", but it was almost like I couldn't change my behavior.  I could feel that tiny, far away part of me starting to freak out a bit, but it was like watching a train wreck: I could not take my eyes off this video.  Within a minute or two, this toddler's lifeless body is thrown onto the check out station for a man to begin CPR on her.  I think it was at this point (although I don't really remember which happens quite a bit when you're freaking the eff out), that tiny voice got louder and forced my fingers to turn off the screen on my phone.  And once my phone was off, I started to realize what was happening.

I was starting to have a panic attack.

My breathing was rapid and shallow, the start of hyperventilation.  My heart was beating out of my chest.  I was crying and wasn't even aware of it.  I began to experience tunnel vision, where it feels like your range of vision is getting more narrow by the second.  I felt hot and flustered.  

And again, that small but helpful voice buried somewhere under the panic reminded me that this is simply the start of a panic attack and all I needed to do is breathe.  

So I did.  

I closed my eyes and focused all of my energy on taking slow, low, deep breaths through my nose and within a couple of minutes, the panic reaction ended.  

Whew!  Crisis averted.  Now what the hell happened??

Well we know what happened literally speaking.  My brain was super freaked out about this horrifying video (the girl is just fine btw, thank god!!!) and flipped shit.  Amygdala took over and I was totally unable to be rational about the situation and instead had to initially ride out my reaction until I realized what was happening and could circumvent it.  

And why did my brain flip out about this?  Well that's pretty easy too: I have two young children and while there are few things that I seriously worry about regarding them, the one thing I worry about quite a bit is their health and safety.  So seeing a child the age of my oldest lifeless for no goddamn reason in the middle of a perfectly normal day in a perfectly normal store shook me up.  Bad.  

Makes sense.  But if you've ever had a panic attack, you're probably curious about what you can learn from this.  So here we go:

1) Know your triggers.  For me, anything that reminds me that something awful could happen to my children is going to trigger me.  It's a soft spot for me.  Which is good to know because knowing that, I can mentally prepare myself when I anticipate that I might hear, see or be reminded of that.  And awareness is half the battle.

2) Know your brain and body.  Do you have any idea what is going on in your brain and body most of the time?  If not, start observing.  Get your doctorate in YOU.  In fact, take a moment right now and check in with yourself.  What's on your mind?  What kinds of things are you thinking about?  What emotions are you feeling?  What's happening in your body?  Do you feel physically relaxed?  Are you muscle tense and bothering you?  Once checking in with yourself become habit, you'll be able to notice what could turn into really intense feelings before they actually get intense.  

3) Once you notice something is amiss, BREATHE.  Slow, low, deep breaths through your nose.  Look for a detailed post on that coming up, but for now know that slow, low, deep breaths will short circuit a panic/anxiety response.

4) If you're really freaking out, it will help to focus on something other than the upsetting thoughts.  Breathing wouldn't have done me a whole lot of good I just kept picturing that little girl's lifeless body or thinking about something bad happening to my own kiddos.  So pick a spot on the wall or floor and stare at it hard.  Or come up with something to say over and over again like "all I need to do is breathe" or "I'm going to be just fine".  

Now if you have panic attacks on a regular basis, worry about having more of them or change your behavior significantly because of them (hard time leaving the house, avoid potential triggers, etc), then this article isn't getting it done and you might need treatment.  Feel free to visit me on my website if you're interested in scheduling an appointment to learn how to get rid of these emotional roller coasters.  

Do you know what your triggers are?  What makes you irrationally angry or super scared?  Tell me about it on my Facebook page!

The Monster Within Part II - Understanding Your Monster

Ok, we can agree on the fact that we all feeling like losing our sh*t every now and then and it's, by definition, can be quite ugly sometimes.  I hope we can also agree on the fact that feeling like were losing our shit doesn't make us monsters, it simply makes us human.  Fine, fine, you say, but it SUCKS.  It feels terrible, sometimes we act terrible because of the feelings and then we feel even more terrible because of how we acted.  Wah wah.

BUT by understanding what's happening inside our bodies and brains when we're melting down, we put ourselves in a position to better manage our emotions when we're feeling our most monstrous.

So let's nerd out about this for a second.  Very generally speaking there is an animal part of our brains (limbic system and more specifically, amygdala) and a human part of our brains (prefrontal cortex).  The animal part is ALL FEELING and even more specifically, mostly rage and fear.  It doesn't understand time, place, person, CONTEXT.  Just feelings.

So when your toddler screams "no" at you for the 15,367th time that day or your husband walks out of the room in the middle of an argument (and you're a bit sensitive to loss), the amygdala is the part that goes CRAZY.

Remember the scene in Titanic where the water gets into enough compartments of the ship that it activates the alarm because the system has determined that it's going down?  (Don't tell me you haven't seen Titanic and don't tell me you don't love it.  Lies!!).  Horns are sounding, lights are flashing and all panic and anarchy ensue?  Well THAT is what is going on in your brain (and then body) when it feels threatened.  Seriously.

Crazy huh??

Let me refer you back to the examples that I gave.  Your toddler and husband being shits are not in fact mortal threats (though YOU may be a mortal threat to them if they keep it up ;)).  But try to tell your amygdala that.  If you are really scared or really angry, regardless of whether you could actually get dead or not, your brain goes into full on fight/flight/freeze mode, where you are literally ready to duke it out, run like hell or play dead.

Your body is being flooded by stress hormones (adrenaline and cortisol primarily) because your brain has determined that you might die.  So your blood is pumping, your heart is racing, you're possibly sweating, you might feel hot and flustered, you might even be shaking.  It's that intense (you probably already know that).

So does this sound like the ideal set up to make good decisions??  For you to be on your best behavior?  To talk to your loved ones or boss in a healthy and constructive way?

Hell no!

The part of your brain that's in charge of doing all that good stuff doesn't have enough blood to make it work!  The limbic system has taken over and you have turned into nothing more than a wild animal backed into a corner.  Physiologically speaking that is.

The take home?  This is NOT, I repeat NOT, the time to discipline your child, finish the argument with your husband, give your boss a piece of your mind, etc.  Because it will not end well, I promise.  This is when you will act like a monster while your body is being operated by the animal brain and then you will calm down, begin to operate under your human brain again and feel like a monster because of how you behaved.  And if you're anything like me, you'll beat yourself up about it and rake yourself over the coals for god knows how long.

So do yourself (and your kid and your husband and your boss) a favor: take a minute to calm down.  Let the blood get back to the places it's supposed to be.  Again, maybe you need to run, or swim or do something really physical to release the energy.  Or maybe you need to rest: meditate, nap, read, etc.  Figure out what that looks like for you and do it.  And whatever you decide that is, make sure it includes a lot of deep breaths...but more on that later.

Is there a time when your animal brain has taken over?  Does this help you understand what's going on in those moments?  Let me know on my Facebook page.

How Your Past Haunts You In Ways You May Not Even Know

I was standing in the shower, getting ready to settle in for the evening, when I felt something snake down my back, my leg and my ankle.  Somewhat alarmed, I looked down to see what could cause that strange sensation and I saw a huge clump of my hair tangled around my heel.

I momentarily stopped breathing and a feeling of panic came over me.  I opened my mouth to call for my husband, but nothing came out.  I could hear my heartbeat, increasing by the second, in my ears.

Then the air returned, my heart rate slowed down and I remembered what was going on: I'm several weeks postpartum and your hair falls out.  Right...I remember now.  It's as though the Universe has decided that you no longer need the gift it gave you as a reward during your pregnancy (amazing, thick hair) because you have your little bundle of joy so it takes it all back.  As if postpartum hormones, extra weight and getting to know your newborn aren't enough fun things to manage, now you have bald patches.  Awesome.  But the good news is that this is totally normal and expected and I know from going through this before, I will not go completely bald even though you would think that if you saw my drain after every shower.

So why did I freak out?  Flash back about 20 years...

I was standing in my shower, washing my hair and felt something snake down my back, my leg and my ankle.  Somewhat alarmed, I looked down to see what could cause that strange sensation and I saw a huge clump of my hair tangled around my heel...and even more wrapped around both sets of fingers.  The only difference is that 20 years ago I was in fact going bald because the chemotherapy I was receiving for my cancer had finally killed off enough cancer cells (and unfortunately all fast growing cells) that I was ACTUALLY losing my hair.  And not just some of it, but all of it.  As a 15 year old girl and a freshman in high school, it was the moment that I had been dreading since I started chemo...and here it was.  I LOST IT...and I don't mean my hair.  I mean my sanity.  In that moment, I lost it.  Not necessarily because of the hair, per se (although my teenage self might argue differently), but because my hair falling out made the diagnosis real.  My parents needed to literally drag me out of the shower that night and I don't remember anything else about that evening.  It's not the kind of thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "trauma", but make no mistake about it: it was traumatic.

So that's what was going on the other day in the shower.  Something totally ordinary and not upsetting was happening, but because it was so similar to something terrible that happened a long time ago, I was right back there.  Crazy huh?  Here's why: there's a part of our brains that doesn't understand time, context, person (better known as the amygdala for all you brain-loving folk).  The amygdala's main job?  FEELINGS.  Intense feelings, specifically, like rage and fear.  What makes this more interesting is when the amygdala gets involved, it overrides other areas of the brain (frontal lobe) that we could really benefit from at times like this.  So when we're reminded of something awful from our past, the human, rational part of our brain effectively shuts down, and the animal, emotional, irrational part of our brain kicks into high gear.  Sounds like a recipe for disaster right?

Why am I telling you all of this?  Because if this process is taking place in your life and you're not aware that's what is going on, it can cause major problems!  This is for the woman who was sexually assaulted earlier in her life who doesn't feel like she can have a "normal" sex life with her husband because she freaks out every time he touches her.  This is for the man who shuts down completely whenever he feels criticized (even if that's not what's happening) because he feels like a scared little boy again being berated by his father.  This is for the woman who cannot engage in any form of conflict because it's too reminiscent of the arguments her parents would always get into right before her Dad started throwing punches.  This crazy neurological wiring that is there to help us and keep us safe can sometimes wind up causing major problems.

Here's the beauty of it: when you know what's going on in those moments (and now you do!) and you don't make yourself feel worse by assuming you must be crazy (which you totally aren't!!), you start to take back some of your control...some of your power.  You can start to think through your reaction rather than just react.  And that allows you to talk about it (might need to read this for that), continue to make sense of it and heal from whatever it is all over again.  That might be all you need.  Or you might decide that you need a professional to help work through some of that.  But either way, you're moving in a direction where YOU get to control your life rather than your past.  And THAT is pretty damn cool.